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It's crazy how easy it is to overlook the fact that you can kill slugs with salt... Instead of putting arsenic in a population center's water supply and accidentally causing a chain reaction of explosions to destroy half the town.
Very fun, poorly acted and gloopily made slime fest featuring two 19802 gentlemen that I struggled to tell apart; one who wore leather jacket, beige combats and penny-loafers and one who wanted to get naked and do "crazy" stuff with his Eastern European wife.
I especially enjoyed slug-salad man at meeting with fat bespectacled man with sumptuously kissable lips who exploded viscerally at an Italian Bistro. Mamma mia!
Thanks slugs... Thlugs.
]]>Sean P Donahue is a studly chudly beefcake who kicks his way through a horde of moustaches to wreak vengeance upon his family's murderers.
He sets a guy on fire, monorails one to death, and mallets another in the temples. It's enough to set your upper lip bristles a'quivering...
But seriously, the moustaches in this are awe inspiring, it makes me wish the movie was filmed in stereoscopic 3D so I could see those magnificent beasts hove into view like bewhiskered behemoths looming out of the miasmic fog.
Now these are real men... Real men in real tight jeans, who can kick... My God, what happened to the world?
]]>Weird surreal comedy from the 80s.
My favourite moment was when Lane let the ducks out of his car and said "See ya later" as they waddled away.
]]>This gang of gnarly slope shredders head up to fucksticks baked Alaska to chill with Chad Chuddington, rip some powder and hang tight with the bros and their babes.
Except Chad's been decapitated by an unsavoury heinous narc who's hell bent on harshing their buzz.
Radical.
]]>Watched on Sunday June 1, 2025.
]]>Watched on Saturday May 31, 2025.
]]>Their burping is probably retarding the reaction
- Science Guy
]]>It's your standard "hunting the most dangerous game... Man", very similar to Avenging Force although unfortunately there was no trident wielding bloke in a bondage gear in this.
JCVD does however do many flips, many many flips.
Lance Henrikson is a pretty great villain and his henchmen who happens to be a jarringly South African douchebag is deliciously twisted. I was just expecting him to breathe a swarm of flesh-flaying pestilence into somebody's face the whole time.
Action is good, lots of slow motion, many weird edits... Good fun. It just suffers from an extraordinary basic plot with minimal characterization which could have been done in all the time this movie was running at half speed.
]]>Tally is so fucking ugly, they call her squint due to her completely normal eyes. She loves this guy called Nose because he has a totally normal nose.
They dream about the eleganza extravaganza going on across the river where the hot opulent dum-dums party all day.
Nose gets his birthday glow-up and becomes utterly sickening. Tally wants to meet up and spill the tea, but she's gagged when he ghosts her. Unfortunately, it also makes him smooth-brained and he sashays away.
Tally ain't got time for that so she learns how to CGI snowboard with someone called Skinny due to their average build... all the CGI is wank in this movie.
Dr Cable, leader of the smooth-brains (and all-round shady bitch) captures Tally for partying above her station, and tells her to scuffle in the dirt with the basic bitches for a while.
Tally goes to the obligatory outcast freedom-fighter shantytown where everyone is hot and wears iconique fabulous-knitwear.
The party animals from party city arrive and fuck everything up, Skinny gets caught... and now she's serving smooth-brain eleganza... and Nose falls off a bridge. Tally gets put in a gas chamber but her peasant friends free her through cunning use of a helicopter mounted flamethrower...
The whole thing is absolutely fucked. A dazzling showcase of ineptitude.
]]>This is the most, boomer-ass, hoo-rah America, dipshit CGI chudfest movie in existence... and hilariously and strangely artfully themed around a kid's toy.
Sure, I was drunk... and sure, it's totally brain-broken... but Rihanna isn't even that bad in this. And you know what, I had a pretty great time.
Now I do have to ask myself, maybe it's because AC/DC is playing, and there are god damn WW2 veterans firing two-thousand pound explosive artillery shells at titanic generic feaux-transformer alien dudes while a vet amputee has a tustle with an alien with a Fred-Durstian space-goatee... sure, maybe I've been tricked into having a good time.
Maybe I'm the real dumb-ass in all this...
Maybe this is just pure class.
I don't think Liam Neeson would give me his blessing to bang his daughter if he knew i'd watched & enjoyed this film.
God bless Liam Neeson.
]]>Succefully disturbing and unsettling. It does an excellent job of placing you in its bleak realm of woodland ritualism, folklore and pestilence where we're constantly reminded of the cold darkness of mortality.
Artfully atmospheric, if a little self indulgent. It's certainly got the "Robert Eggers" vibe.
]]>Let me tell you about the baron. He's a big beefy boy with a massive sword who vanquishes the demonic hordes with a proclamation of zeal and finishes up with a vitriolic monologue.
Set in a world of grimy steampunk spacemen with bonkers turbo-religious ideology and satanic rituals with zombie-clowns and space-camels who fly brass space-airships and use rotary-videophones to zoom each other... Oh God my brain is overheating.
This movie is so packed with beautifully cruddy miniatures, goofy props, wonky aliens, muscle suits, laser guns, hover bikes, demon births, buckets of red paint, ejaculate and afterbirth... It's a low budget beast from 2006 that displays an unbelievable degree of effort and love from it's makers. And it's full-on non stop insanity... Until it forgets it should have ended and becomes hilariously saccharine for about fifteen minutes at the end.
The bit where the Baron crawls into the demonic uterus to find a big-titted bug-eyed little guy who called him daddy... It had me unable to breathe...
It feels almost completely unknown. More people should seek out and enjoy this incredible piece of work.
]]>*Clears throat*
Rutger Hauer is the man of the hour, hes blinded in Nam and learns an Asian power.
He's unable to cry, Cos he's fucked in the eye so he goes up a hill and kills a man in a tower.
*Takes solemn bow to sound of gong*
]]>If Richard Dawkins had a murder-house and invited missionaries over to read them a psychotic rendition of "The God Delusion".
Hugh Grant's portrayal of a charmingly befuddled psychopath is quite enjoyable although this movie loses its footing on the path of coherence when it turns into an episode of supernatural Columbo.
]]>I'm not a great fan of movies with hard-hitting narrative that force me to confront the worst aspects of human nature... I'm just a guy trying to get some escapism from the bleakness of modern life, I'm not likely to give "15 years a slave" or "Schindler's List" a go for fear of conjuring dark clouds over my already precariously overcast mental skyline.
This is where Sinners truly shines. While I went into this expecting some kind of "Dusk till Dawn" situation, I was pleased to find a genuine and lovingly crafted fable about oppression, pain, hope, faith, superstition and culture... With a side serving of vampires.
While it has surreal moments, almost comedic uneasiness and a touch of violent catharsis, everything is conveyed artfully and blended with a swampy slide-guitar soundtrack that ties the whole thing together into a cohesive mythology.
Bottom line, it's a great way for the disenclined monkey-brained masses (myself included) to be tricked into thinking about important stuff, which can't be a bad thing.
]]>Bruce Willis a world class drill-guy leads a team of the most unprofessional astronauts in human history while he vigorously protects his daughter from being drilled by Ben Affleck.
On their first side-quest, our crew of bumbling man-children stop at a Russian space-station to refuel and within five minutes there is some kind of catastrophic disaster resulting in the total destruction of the station.
On another escapade, Steve Buscemi haphazardly fires a Gatling gun which is mounted on the space drill (because America) while screaming incoherently. Another character blames this on a bout of "Space Dementia".
I don't know how Mr "Aerosmith" Tyler burrowed himself so deeply into this movie (like a crusty rock-and-roll tick) but by the eighth Aerosmith song, I was wondering where they were going to use "Love in an Elevator" but unfortunately Aerosmith is not space-appropriate.
A-grade dipshittery.
]]>I have cunningly concealed my review using an impenetrable code...
]]>!tihs latot saw siht yletanutrofnu ,neercs no gninrub selbur noillim wef a dna nauy noillib ytfif dna derdnuh eerht ees ot elbayojne syawla s'ti elihW
I'm honestly quite worried that John Lithgow wants to f*ck my dog... I don't even have a dog.
]]>Undoubtedly expensive, yet inexplicably cheap looking.
Filled with flim-flam and flippancy but too flabby by far, it out stays it's welcome and unfortunately by the time the villain's gloriously dorky robo-suit is revealed my tolerance was waning.
With that said, I do wish more movies were like this. With such a bewilderingly low IQ that it becomes impervious to ridicule or critique in any form.
Like everything, the Madonna theme is so out of place and awful that it comes full circle and becomes perfect.
Sigmund Freud... Analyze piss.
]]>A weirdly fake-tanned & black hair-dyed Hayden Christiansen does comically little with his entire life whilst obsessing over putting figs & focaccia on pizzas.
Meanwhile his childhood crush is vaguely a chef in London but is home visiting and also seems oddly drawn to both pizza, and Hayden's giggle-berries.
Meanwhile there's a long standing family feud between the family patriarchs which we can only assume to be due to a case of unrequited gay love.
It's like one of those Hallmark romance movies, except it's full of weirdly sexual humour and insane Italian/Indian/Gay stereotyping.
]]>Paul W S Anderson watched Priest (2011) and thought... I can do that, but I'll make it... orange.
All characters consistently act as though they have information that they clearly don't, or as though they lack information that later in the plot is revealed that they knew all along.
The action is largely pointless and doesn't serve any purpose other than to showcase the whimsical powers of Milla the girl-boss battle-nun.
When asked what mystical powers his wife would have in his movie, Paul simply answered: "Yes."
What's the point in hanging somebody who can levitate?
]]>Everyone is horrendously miscast in this... And why is everyone so fucking old?
It feels like the actors were all selected by "Paul" the octopus who chooses FIFA world cup finalists.
Fuck that octopus because he got this one wrong!
Fuck you Paul.
]]>Can somebody explain... Just what is Angelina Jolie's face all about?
This movie... It's shit, but kind of endearing for what it is... as in an early attempt at a videogame adaptation. And to be fair, I think they did a great job of adapting a playstation game about a woman with polygonal breasts and two guns into a feature length movie.
This movie was indeed, very videogame esque. And had a peak early-2000s sexy electronic soundtrack (Leftfield - Song of Life, i'm talking about you).
Lara doesn't have much of a character, or a backstory. She raids tombs, has a butler called Hilary, and presumably an infinite inheritance to squander on disposable death-bots and post-gunfight stately-home redecoration.
She doesn't need to explain how she knows the things she knows... clearly that swirly thing is a "time storm" what are you a peasant?
It was dumb, and comes from a time when I was also dumb... and for that reason, it elicited a degree of nostalgia so I gave it three stars.
]]>A film that attempts to strike a delicate balance between boobs and cinema, but fails.
A team of hunky studs (and Erik Estrada) are accompanied by a bunch of humongously titted ladies as they courier a toy helicopter across the world where they use it to explode a couple of ninjas in a shed.
Along the way, the lads each peel away for a spicy deviation where boobs are fondled and hair is flicked in slo-mo while our cast grind against each other for minutes at a time, leaving the rest of the gang to have a cup of tea before returning to the plot.
Meanwhile Mr Miagi is coordinating pairs of increasingly incompetent hit-men to waste their lives in the name of entertainment while uncomfortably portraying the creepiest Asian grandpa.
I think there may have been literally two women in this movie who didn't get their tits out... I imagine Andy saw that as a missed opportunity, but he tried his best.
Did I mention the honkers in this are gigantic?
Boobs.
]]>Watched on Saturday April 5, 2025.
]]>Watched on Thursday April 3, 2025.
]]>This is quite likely the lowest ebb in Peter Sellers' career? *insert gong sound here*
Maggie Smith does a good job at sounding aroused by the prospect of necrophilia.
It's one of those movies that appears to have been buried due to the collective shame of it's s, we call this "a Krippendorf". The kind of movie that gets buried in the desert and encased in concrete, only to be unearthed by an alien civilization three million years in the future to be ground up and snorted like spice melange... Except instead of visions of the future, they see visions of the 70s, the brown moldy-ass 70s.
]]>Watched on Friday March 28, 2025.
]]>There's a bit in this movie where a stranger who's been invited into this family home goes into a little boy's bedroom, kneels down and hands the kid some paper cash "Hey, Buddy, this is for you if you let me use your backdoor."
There's a bit where a guy has hands for feet and feet for hands, and nobody seems to notice.
There's a bit where a lad gets mind controlled to literally eat shit for maybe 8 hours or so... but then we find out the guy who told him to eat shit didn't actually have mind control powers, so...
This is a movie where the entirety of it's considerable wealth of talent went towards the martial arts and coreography, literally no brain power was dedicated to the plot or dialogue, and it's glorious.
This is absolute cinema.
]]>There's two guys in a car... one is a perfectly normal human, and the other is a red-skinned hammerhead shark demon-beast. Which one do you think the filmmakers decided to represent in full CGI?
If you are thinking the monster, think again.
This essentially sums up this movie, you have shots where character's bodies are live-action where their heads have been replaced by goofy CGI, scenes where live-action actors have had their bodies replaced by goofy CGI, and scenes where live-action characters and CGI characters interact in what can only be described as a seamless application of 2000s digital film-making!
It's like somebody took all the cutscenes from bootleg "The Fifth Element" and "Stargate" videogames for the Playstation 2 and Nintendo 64, then smashed them together with footage of a few lads with wacky hair.
The plot of this one seems to be about three Egyptian techno-gods, two of whom play monopoly, while the third heads into town to possess a lad who fell out of a prison sky-pod in order to knock up a blue lady called Jill. Jill's kind of naive, she's melancholic... she's got a weird slimy haircut, and blue nips. But then she gets captured, juiced and banged in the space of about half an hour before realizing she loves this doofus and wants his baby.
There's a fat bloke who owns an evil corporation, and some meandering side-plot about a detective attempting to track down consentually problematic god number 3... and there's this guy John, who sits on a cosmic armchair in space but sometimes drives a taxi through your apartment window when you're being chased by a spectral shark monster.
It all feels quite french... probably due to the weird sexual stuff going on, the gratuitous poetry and the general "what the fuck?" vibe. Is it art? Am I the dumb one? Why was there a little slimy guy who hand you your toothbrush and also sometimes gives you a gun? Is that art too?
Or is it wank?
You be the judge...
]]>More like... Arse & Piss Foul.
Dear oh dear, this movie was an uncontrolled fecal explosion of biblical proportions. Artemis is an insufferably smug yet hauntingly characterless toe-rag. Poor old Judy Dench was undoubtedly baffled at the CGI hellscape she was constrained by whilst being portrayed as a Bowie-esque SS trooper elf. At no point did I know what was actually happening... there appeared to be no chain of causality in this universe, nor a series of scenes that could be construed as a plot in this movie, but whenever Artemis wasn't on screen sucking the joy from my experience there was enough fantastical CGI slop to tickle my smooth brain into acceptance.
]]>Mr Legs is a weird guy.
]]>Mickey 18 is unbelievably cunty...
]]>A movie for the distinguished necrophiliac.
]]>This was undoubtedly quite good... but I did not necessarily have a good time. In fact, I was low-key horrified...
I was suffering aesthetic whiplash between clinical perfection and medical-grade anotomical-horror repeatedly while watching.
All metaphorical subtext aside, this bitch went from "Perfect" (1985) to "Mandy" (2018) pretty fucking fast.
]]>Rounding out the Stephanie Meyer sludge-fest with The Host. A movie so idiotic it will make you wish you had an alien worm implanted in your brain who could watch this movie for you while you silently scream in your subconscious, paralyzed in synaptic subjugation.
The problem with Stephanie Meyer is that she just doesn't think about anything. I've seen nothing in any her work that leads me to believe that she understands how fundamental human interactions happen or how society functions on the most fundamental level. For fuck's sake, think about it Stephanie! How does any of this actually work?
It just comes down to a ive, characterless, blank-canvas of a girl who's briefly tormented by the dilemma of kissing two hot boys while there's a worm in her brain... and that's the climax of any narrative tension in our plot. Utterly juvenile, uninteresting and above all, poorly made. The acting is horrendously directed, and the action is laughably dull.
At one point two lads bloodlessly pile-drive their truck into a concrete barrier in a desperate attempt to exit the movie.
They had the right idea...
]]>It's Ratatouille except instead of a rat it's a moustache. And instead of cooking, this moustache is investigating a demonic rock band whilst being a cool relatable (and hot) college teacher.
Then there's Damien, he's a frontman with a jawline that could cut through the plated steel hull of an aircraft carrier. And he's here to raise his "Soldiers of the night!" In a camp leatherclad generically evil way.
The moral of the story is: if a ponce-metal band come to town and start turning all the kids into horny skeletons, set them on fire a bit and they will just go somewhere else...
]]>This is a story about Rico, a tiny faced poodle of a man who's full o' energy & loves to dance. Things get dicey when Rico has a birthday party where a man brings a monkey puppet and his girlfriend punches a dunk, then Rico starts dancing with a woman who drives a nazi car. Everyone's dancing the whole time. There's a whole lot of trumpets, and a whole lot of bongos. It's kind of relentless. Anyway, Rico starts being a jerk, getting aggressive with women and generally acting like a prick, things take a dark turn when he punches his dog-brained buddy for getting with his sister. He's harboring some seriously unhealthy attitudes towards women, but then he dances and it's all cool...
I'll be honest, where most movies have some kind of overarching plot where things ramp up and tension builds, salsa just has dancing. Sustained, consistent dancing. I'm sure this is thrilling so someone out there, but to me it's just a guy with a wet perm and a tiny face writhing about like a sexy worm for an hour and a half.
God bless Cannon films and their insane ways.
]]>Watched on Monday February 24, 2025.
]]>I fuckin' loved this. Maybe it's because 90% of the time I watch trash but I was sucked right in to the tense world of papal bureaucracy and soap-opera scandal.
This is a certified great movie if you're in the mood for stuffy petty men shuffling about in robes being cunts to each other in an overbearingly pious manner.
]]>I like Tommy Lee Jones... I also like Jeff Bridges... but which one is better?
FIGHT!
]]>Just a little movie about a couple of buds who go mental and jerk off in a storm...
Good to see R-Patts living out my own seagull pumelling fantasy.
]]>Frank Stallone spends the majority of the runtime walking around looking for this bint, and when he finally finds her she gets spooked, totters into the road and gets hit by a truck.
C'est La Vie.
]]>I suppose this is really about the impact of tangible nuclear devastation and it's lasting effect on the collective consciousness of a nation.
I've never seen any Godzilla movie made before the Matthew Broderick masterpiece, but I'm certain this was a fitting homage to those early black and white bloke in a dinosaur costume flicks.
Pretty rad... Get it?
]]>It's basically The Lord of The Rings, except Frodo and Sam are buff dudes in tuxedos, the elves are horny sluts and the ring is... She.
An absolute dog's dinner of a movie.
]]>An odd little movie that follows an extremely short muscular man called Fanco Labamba as he scampers about the Sardinian wasteland poppin' squats and being incoherent.
I'll be totally honest, this was a mess. But the level of incompetence on display was quite impressive. Many of the cast (often including Franco) can't speak english fluently enough to provide adequate dialog for a movie without subtitles, many of the shootouts are the classic, shoot guns off screen and nobody dies, every time a henchmen is killed he's replaced by a random bystander increasing to the point where the stand-ins clearly don't know what the fuck is going on, sometimes the camera just pans slowly to the side to focus on a turkey just gobblin' about in the dirt, half the movie is the crew seemingly opportunistically filming some kind of religious festival where Franco uses his real-world muscleman-fame to ingratiate himself onto stage where he sings badly.
To be fair, the soundtrack is pretty good. The groove that drops when he's pumpin' iron is an absolute banger. If you watch this you'll know what I mean.
Oh, and Arnie is in this for a couple of minutes saying shit like "Pump this." and "Pull that." so that's fun. Apparently those guys are muscle-buds which is always nice to see.
Franco clearly loves his dusty-ass country dearly, and is quite probably the biggest star to come out of Sardinia which is kind of sweet and endearing, because he's a tiny cheeky guy with a ludicrous accent. But this film gives this beautiful island of culture and vibrance an odd foreboding vibe, like the scene in the Excorcist where that bloke wanders about in the dust and watches two dogs fighting...
]]>Stale and humorless, this film flaps limply while providing no sustenance... like the tits of Calypso's mystical Grandma who died on safari (and coincidentally was never seen again).
I simply refuse to believe that Sony pictures curled out this deuce onto the deck by mistake, they have to be doing this deliberately. That being said, I am sad to hear that this will be the last spider-turd from Sony, as I genuinely was hoping that they would keep making these for all eternity.
]]>"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world. Where none suffered. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world."
- Agent Smith describing the world depicted in the movie 'Speed Racer'
]]>Watched on Sunday January 19, 2025.
]]>Movies that have been selected by the 'Wheel of Excrement' during Bad Movie Club.
...plus 221 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.
]]>My own little treasure trove of shit nobody else wants to own, exclusively salvaged from charity shops and prised from the fingers of dead old men.
...plus 310 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.
]]>Roll up! Roll up! Dare you experience the tiny stinky dollops of joy, misery and exasperation contained within this carousel of cinematic feces!
Am I wasting my life? Or am I doing God's work?
...plus 487 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.
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