There's a bit in this movie where a stranger who's been invited into this family home goes into a little boy's bedroom, kneels down and hands the kid some paper cash "Hey, Buddy, this is for you if you let me use your backdoor."

There's a bit where a guy has hands for feet and feet for hands, and nobody seems to notice.

There's a bit where a lad gets mind controlled to literally eat shit for maybe 8 hours or so... but then we find out the guy who told him to eat shit didn't actually have mind control powers, so...

This is a movie where the entirety of it's considerable wealth of talent went towards the martial arts and coreography, literally no brain power was dedicated to the plot or dialogue, and it's glorious.

This is absolute cinema.

There's two guys in a car... one is a perfectly normal human, and the other is a red-skinned hammerhead shark demon-beast. Which one do you think the filmmakers decided to represent in full CGI?

If you are thinking the monster, think again.

This essentially sums up this movie, you have shots where character's bodies are live-action where their heads have been replaced by goofy CGI, scenes where live-action actors have had their bodies replaced by goofy CGI, and scenes where live-action characters and CGI characters interact in what can only be described as a seamless application of 2000s digital film-making!

It's like somebody took all the cutscenes from bootleg "The Fifth Element" and "Stargate" videogames for the Playstation 2 and Nintendo 64, then smashed them together with footage of a few lads with wacky hair.

The plot of this one seems to be about three Egyptian techno-gods, two of whom play monopoly, while the third heads into town to possess a lad who fell out of a prison sky-pod in order to knock up a blue lady called Jill. Jill's kind of naive, she's melancholic... she's got a weird slimy haircut, and blue nips. But then she gets captured, juiced and banged in the space of about half an hour before realizing she loves this doofus and wants his baby.

There's a fat bloke who owns an evil corporation, and some meandering side-plot about a detective attempting to track down consentually problematic god number 3... and there's this guy John, who sits on a cosmic armchair in space but sometimes drives a taxi through your apartment window when you're being chased by a spectral shark monster.

It all feels quite french... probably due to the weird sexual stuff going on, the gratuitous poetry and the general "what the fuck?" vibe. Is it art? Am I the dumb one? Why was there a little slimy guy who hand you your toothbrush and also sometimes gives you a gun? Is that art too?

Or is it wank?

You be the judge...

More like... Arse & Piss Foul.

Dear oh dear, this movie was an uncontrolled fecal explosion of biblical proportions. Artemis is an insufferably smug yet hauntingly characterless toe-rag. Poor old Judy Dench was undoubtedly baffled at the CGI hellscape she was constrained by whilst being portrayed as a Bowie-esque SS trooper elf. At no point did I know what was actually happening... there appeared to be no chain of causality in this universe, nor a series of scenes that could be construed as a plot in this movie, but whenever Artemis wasn't on screen sucking the joy from my experience there was enough fantastical CGI slop to tickle my smooth brain into acceptance.

Mr Legs is a weird guy.

Mickey 18 is unbelievably cunty...

A movie for the distinguished necrophiliac.

This was undoubtedly quite good... but I did not necessarily have a good time. In fact, I was low-key horrified...

I was suffering aesthetic whiplash between clinical perfection and medical-grade anotomical-horror repeatedly while watching.

All metaphorical subtext aside, this bitch went from "Perfect" (1985) to "Mandy" (2018) pretty fucking fast.

Rounding out the Stephanie Meyer sludge-fest with The Host. A movie so idiotic it will make you wish you had an alien worm implanted in your brain who could watch this movie for you while you silently scream in your subconscious, paralyzed in synaptic subjugation.

The problem with Stephanie Meyer is that she just doesn't think about anything. I've seen nothing in any her work that leads me to believe that she understands how fundamental human interactions happen or how society functions on the most fundamental level. For fuck's sake, think about it Stephanie! How does any of this actually work?

It just comes down to a ive, characterless, blank-canvas of a girl who's briefly tormented by the dilemma of kissing two hot boys while there's a worm in her brain... and that's the climax of any narrative tension in our plot. Utterly juvenile, uninteresting and above all, poorly made. The acting is horrendously directed, and the action is laughably dull.

At one point two lads bloodlessly pile-drive their truck into a concrete barrier in a desperate attempt to exit the movie.

They had the right idea...

It's Ratatouille except instead of a rat it's a moustache. And instead of cooking, this moustache is investigating a demonic rock band whilst being a cool relatable (and hot) college teacher.

Then there's Damien, he's a frontman with a jawline that could cut through the plated steel hull of an aircraft carrier. And he's here to raise his "Soldiers of the night!" In a camp leatherclad generically evil way.

The moral of the story is: if a ponce-metal band come to town and start turning all the kids into horny skeletons, set them on fire a bit and they will just go somewhere else...

This is a story about Rico, a tiny faced poodle of a man who's full o' energy & loves to dance. Things get dicey when Rico has a birthday party where a man brings a monkey puppet and his girlfriend punches a dunk, then Rico starts dancing with a woman who drives a nazi car. Everyone's dancing the whole time. There's a whole lot of trumpets, and a whole lot of bongos. It's kind of relentless. Anyway, Rico starts being a jerk, getting aggressive with women and generally acting like a prick, things take a dark turn when he punches his dog-brained buddy for getting with his sister. He's harboring some seriously unhealthy attitudes towards women, but then he dances and it's all cool...

I'll be honest, where most movies have some kind of overarching plot where things ramp up and tension builds, salsa just has dancing. Sustained, consistent dancing. I'm sure this is thrilling so someone out there, but to me it's just a guy with a wet perm and a tiny face writhing about like a sexy worm for an hour and a half.

God bless Cannon films and their insane ways.

Watched on Monday February 24, 2025.

I fuckin' loved this. Maybe it's because 90% of the time I watch trash but I was sucked right in to the tense world of papal bureaucracy and soap-opera scandal.

This is a certified great movie if you're in the mood for stuffy petty men shuffling about in robes being cunts to each other in an overbearingly pious manner.

I like Tommy Lee Jones... I also like Jeff Bridges... but which one is better?

FIGHT!

Just a little movie about a couple of buds who go mental and jerk off in a storm...

Good to see R-Patts living out my own seagull pumelling fantasy.

Frank Stallone spends the majority of the runtime walking around looking for this bint, and when he finally finds her she gets spooked, totters into the road and gets hit by a truck.

C'est La Vie.

I suppose this is really about the impact of tangible nuclear devastation and it's lasting effect on the collective consciousness of a nation.

I've never seen any Godzilla movie made before the Matthew Broderick masterpiece, but I'm certain this was a fitting homage to those early black and white bloke in a dinosaur costume flicks.

Pretty rad... Get it?

It's basically The Lord of The Rings, except Frodo and Sam are buff dudes in tuxedos, the elves are horny sluts and the ring is... She.

An absolute dog's dinner of a movie.

An odd little movie that follows an extremely short muscular man called Fanco Labamba as he scampers about the Sardinian wasteland poppin' squats and being incoherent.

I'll be totally honest, this was a mess. But the level of incompetence on display was quite impressive. Many of the cast (often including Franco) can't speak english fluently enough to provide adequate dialog for a movie without subtitles, many of the shootouts are the classic, shoot guns off screen and nobody dies, every time a henchmen is killed he's replaced by a random bystander increasing to the point where the stand-ins clearly don't know what the fuck is going on, sometimes the camera just pans slowly to the side to focus on a turkey just gobblin' about in the dirt, half the movie is the crew seemingly opportunistically filming some kind of religious festival where Franco uses his real-world muscleman-fame to ingratiate himself onto stage where he sings badly.

To be fair, the soundtrack is pretty good. The groove that drops when he's pumpin' iron is an absolute banger. If you watch this you'll know what I mean.

Oh, and Arnie is in this for a couple of minutes saying shit like "Pump this." and "Pull that." so that's fun. Apparently those guys are muscle-buds which is always nice to see.

Franco clearly loves his dusty-ass country dearly, and is quite probably the biggest star to come out of Sardinia which is kind of sweet and endearing, because he's a tiny cheeky guy with a ludicrous accent. But this film gives this beautiful island of culture and vibrance an odd foreboding vibe, like the scene in the Excorcist where that bloke wanders about in the dust and watches two dogs fighting...

Stale and humorless, this film flaps limply while providing no sustenance... like the tits of Calypso's mystical Grandma who died on safari (and coincidentally was never seen again).

I simply refuse to believe that Sony pictures curled out this deuce onto the deck by mistake, they have to be doing this deliberately. That being said, I am sad to hear that this will be the last spider-turd from Sony, as I genuinely was hoping that they would keep making these for all eternity.

"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world. Where none suffered. Where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world."

- Agent Smith describing the world depicted in the movie 'Speed Racer'

Watched on Sunday January 19, 2025.

This film has a scene where a naked man scuttles about like a crab while his clearly defined and silhouetted cock and balls can be seen jiggling about between his legs.

Best line in movie:
"Cuuuuuuunnnnnt!!!"
-Mark Ruffalo

This movie sold me on it's cool holographic DVD sleeve depicting some guys with crucifixes tattooed on their heads driving dingus looking techno-jet-bikes on the front... And I suppose they delivered that so I can't really complain.

Somewhere between Equilibrium and Van Helsing, with a weird vibe. An entirely stupid premise, but some great production design. Disappointingly competent considering the dipshittery I was expecting.

Watched on Sunday January 12, 2025.

Watched on Sunday January 12, 2025.

Watched on Saturday January 11, 2025.

Robot Jox features a true american hero called Achilles who's got beef with a russian called Alexander who loves stomping on people with the giant metallic boots of communism.

Achilles battles Alexander, but discraces himself by tripping over and squashing a couple hundred spectators in his Power Rangers Megazord.

Achilles is sad about this, so he quits the battle biz... and his big sad shoes are filled by a plucky young upstart clone girl called Athena who masters the jungle-gym of doom and hijacks his robot to take vengeance against the raging Russki.

But she fucks it up because she's a woman and a clone, so Achilles has to clean up her mess and flies to space and crashes back in the same spot and turns into a tank and dodges lasers and gets flipped over and narrowly avoids being cut in half by a chainsaw schlong and then has a mano a mano metal-pole fight.

Both men are on the ropes, Alexander is about to crush Achilles skull with a big rock... but Achilles says... "We can live!" which carries so much emotional power the Russian is floored.

Then he does the coolest thumbs up I have ever seen.

Everything in this movie is flimsy as shit. Achilles' apartment is made of paper, his hovercar is made of cardboard and his robot looks like three airfix models smashed together. AND IT'S FUCKING AMAZING!

Michael Douglas asked to be killed off in the second movie to avoid appearing in this, Disney rewarded the esteemed octogenarian actor by giving his character a borderline sexual relationship with a flan.

How dignified...

I will add that at no point did I understand in the slightest what was happening in this movie. The MCU truly is an absolute shit-show.

Movies that have been selected by the 'Wheel of Excrement' during Bad Movie Club.

• Krull
• Hawk the Slayer
• Battlefield Earth
• Legend
• Hudson Hawk
• Battle Beyond the Stars
• The Adventures of Hercules
• Super Mario Bros.
• Airborne
• Dune

...plus 221 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

My own little treasure trove of shit nobody else wants to own, exclusively salvaged from charity shops and prised from the fingers of dead old men.

• SAGA - Curse of the Shadow
• Timecop
• Outlander
• Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
• The Net
• The 25th Reich
• Antitrust
• Paycheck
• White House Down
• Surrogates

...plus 310 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

Roll up! Roll up! Dare you experience the tiny stinky dollops of joy, misery and exasperation contained within this carousel of cinematic feces!

Am I wasting my life? Or am I doing God's work?

• 1990: The Bronx Warriors
• 2019: After the Fall of New York
• Action U.S.A.
• Alien Space Avenger
• America 3000
• American Cyborg: Steel Warrior
• American Hunter
• Angelfist
• Around the World in 80 Days
• Avalanche

...plus 487 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.