FEELING LIKE A PSYCHIC WOUND

My childhood bedroom was full of VHS tapes of Yu-Gi-Oh! recorded live from Nicktoons, episode numbers and featured duellists written on in permanent marker. It was an escape that carried throughout my teens, even as I stopped playing the card game itself. My in-depth knowledge of the show became a way to make sense of something, because I certainly could not make sense of myself, or the world around me. Everyone else felt like they had the cheat codes to life and I was an error, everyone else was in on the joke and I wasn’t. So when I saw Yugi became Yami, have the confidence to defeat challengers with honour and grace, that was something I could hold onto. 

I first saw Buffy The Vampire Slayer at the age of 27, during lockdown, where circumstances led me to essentially squatting round my then-partner’s house. We watched about three episodes a night; I wasn’t working, of course. It’s funny that it was lockdown that I truly felt to become myself. Finding meaning through characters and stories was something I’ve felt since I was a child, but now I’d truly left home I was able to feed that into myself, to become more myself. At the same time, the prospect of turning 30 terrified me, I thought I was running out of time to do anything with my life, that all the things I loved and enjoyed would just be embarrassing, that I would have to force myself to grow up.

Then I did turn 30. And the world started making more sense. That fear turned to ash. Many of the people who helped me become me aren’t in my life anymore, but I have no regrets. I found hope, a path, a way to live my life and help curate my life. And an acceptance of how things are, how to face things. I’m not afraid to be how I am; how I am is in constant flux and how others perceive me is in constant flux. And if they don’t get it, that’s on them. 

I have seen the TV glow. And these last few months have tried me, and I am going through changes. But these are changes I have willed, changes that will lead to growth. I’m leaving shit behind. I’ve got my life ahead of me. 

I don’t like referencing the reaction a film receives on this app, in these circles; I’d rather a film speaks for itself, and the viewer gets what they need. And in that, I hope every person who saw the TV glow and found ugliness, despair, nihilism; even so, there is still time. It’s never too late. I hope you find what you need. 

I know I have. 

Believe, believe / that life can change, that you’re not stuck in vein / we’re not the same, we’re different / tonight, tonight