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9.3 / 10 true rating

7.6 / 10 true rating

A beautiful feature in many many ways but all its heart still falls short because of its lack of time and frankly lack of necessity. 

Spinel is the heart of this movie (I said it again are you laughing) and a fantastic addition with maybe the greatest villain introduction ever, and like her unmatchable animation, the creators don’t shy away from her characters complexity which was the heart of the original series (was it funnier this time). However, because of the unfortunate runtime and ambitious time skip the movie doesn’t really know what to do with the rest of the cast, making it both inaccessible to new viewers but also kind of off-kilter and unbelievable for long time fans as its biggest contrivance is how naively and carelessly this older Steven initially handles this conflict.

I didn't mention the songs because if you didn’t already know that this is some of the best music in all of television I’m surprised you’ve been alive long enough to know how to read this.

1.9 / 10 true rating

i don’t know i really just don’t know i just love this abomination

0 / 10 true rating.

This is the only time I will ever log a movie that I have not watched/rewatched this year, much more a movie that I have never watched at all. Because I want to let you all know that I have a lifelong pact that I will never watch nor hear anything more about this “movie” to the day I lie dead in my grave. I know it sounds like I’m joking but the genuine anger and disappointment I felt when I first learned about this bastardization of a film that means so much to me is unfortunately very real. For all intents and purposes I do consider this the worst feature film ever created.

9.1 / 10 TRUE RATING

Listen. This is going to be different than my other reviews. Very different. Because it is IMPERATIVE you understand how much I love this movie.

At the beginning of the new year. EVERY year. If I go out. I don’t stay out for long. I don’t send any new years texts. Not even to my MOTHER. Nobody hears from me until after 1:25 AM. Because the first thing I do. Every. Single. Year. Is watch Surf’s Up (2007). 

“Why,” you ask? First of all, don’t ask that. Second of all, because if I take off my creative cap for a little bit, this is my FAVORITE MOVIE EVER and it’s almost not even close. But don’t be fooled by my words. This movie is still UNIRONICALLY, a masterpiece. Here is a bulleted list of reasons why.

• The water animation in this movie is still phenomenal even by today’s standards. Imageworks developed a CG water simulation system for Sony specifically for this movie and at the time it was REVOLUTIONARY.

• In order to make the mockumentary style feel so authentic they created custom a rig where real life camera men filmed each scene in a VR space like they would in real life, having their movements and adjustments motion captured to control the 3D render’s camera, and it pays off with how unbelievably real the whole thing feels.

• All of the actors came together in studio to record voice lines and riff for each scene, which most animated features don’t bother to do for sake of convenience, but this creates such a PALPABLE and down to earth chemistry between the entire cast that makes this  film feel so special.

• You can tell this movie cares so much about surfing and it’s a beautiful love letter to the sport and the culture; the specific scene where they have real surfers give testimonies about the feeling of being in the tube is so visceral and surreal and breathtaking.

• The comedy in the film is so grounded and understated and never overstays its welcome, it approaches physical comedy and the characters interactions in a way that is very self aware and creates hilarious moments that never feel contrived.

• I think it goes without saying saying that the soundtrack and cast are both stellar, when the three main characters are simply having fun surfing while “Into Yesterday” plays in the background I can never help but radiantly smile.

• The films plot and message are unremarkably simple and often times predictable, but because the movie prioritizes the characters and their 3 dimensionality it feels so genuine and relatable and it’s the main reason I come back to this movie because often times it’s a message I need to hear. That to lose sight of the things you enjoy is to lose yourself, and that external validation is only conditional and temporary; you can only grow and feel your best when what you do is unapologetically for nobody else except for you.

7.9 / 10 true rating

When Erivo and Grande are on screen together interacting and belting in this beautiful environment of vibrant colors and “festivating” costumes- absolutely no notes. The issue is that whenever they are not: this film can DRAG.

For doubling the runtime of the original musicial’s first act with a LOAD of added lines, often times the characters aren’t really saying anything at all (even though Ariana’s line delivery throughout had me cackling the entire time). In the movies latter half this becomes a problem because the rushed plot feels very forced, and as a viewer the characters’ choices don’t really make sense- which I wouldn’t be as opposed to if it wasn’t for the extra 90 minutes of waffling.

Went to see this with a friend at an in theater sing-along and it was truly a formative experience and also I feel eternally connected to the other 8 strangers in attendance.

10 / 10 true rating

This movie is genius: not because of its message, but because of the visual language and symbolism it chooses to communicate it with.

No detail (from the color grading to the kung fu) in this movie goes without meaning, not only fleshing out the films allegory, but creating a work of art that is both profoundly and aesthetically stunning in a way that can truly only be described as timeless.

My headcanon is that the catalyst of this whole thing is just that Morpheus REALLY didn’t want to pay his taxes.

9.0 / 10 true rating

Yeah. Fuck you. The Buzzfeed movie was good. Really good.

While at their bare bones the plot points in this “edge-of-your-seat” thriller are tropey and cliche for the genre, they are also beautifully shot and executed extremely well, taking time to substantially establish everything in world (even the situational idiocy) so the inevitable twists don’t feel contrived- or leave you feeling cheated as you frantically yell at the screen in my case. I don’t think it’s fair to blame a movie for movie-ing, especially when it does it well.

Moral of the story: NEVER listen to YouTubers.

5.6  / 10 true rating

Some things are just meant to stay in their time, and that’s okay.

Don’t get me wrong, offensive comedy is more than able to be funny- which some bits in this movie are great examples of. HOWEVER, this movie also falls victim to the fallacy that just doing something “taboo,” still counts, and they don’t have to actually write a joke: which leaves stretches with only stale eye-rolls until it gets back to its absurdist fun and sporadic character choices that leave you with a team you just can’t help but root for.

Nice to see that they gave such a small up-and-coming actor like Chuck Norris a minor speaking role in this film.

8.8 / 10 true rating

Have I seen this movie before? Yeah, probably a hundred times over. But rarely with so much great acting and cinematic storytelling and intention and care. 

Ever do I love a boxing film, and the boxing in this movie is phenomenal. But I’d be mistaken almost to call this a boxing movie. At its core it succeeds where other sports biopics fail: it’s not about Claressa Shields’ 2012 Olympic Gold, it’s about Claressa Shields. When the first act ends as she wins the Olympics, the movie doesn’t try to compromise life’s complexity for an ending that feels entirely good. The message it leaves you is bigger than boxing, and bigger than Shields herself.

Director LIVES for the rule-of-thirds and I connect with that on a spiritual level.

9.6 / 10 true rating

This movie is badass and ridiculous and insane and it knows it’s all those things and indulges itself by relishing in it ALL.

Tarantino brings the feeling of reading a comic book or manga to life with an amalgamation of avant-garde choices blessing your eyes at breakneck pace. Some things work tremendously and some things don’t- but there is nothing in this film not to love.

Uma Thurman isn’t real I don’t think and Lucy Liu could collect my fucking head any day now please I beg.

10 / 10 true rating

It’s hard (yeah you see what I did there) to overstate the amount of influence you can see Die Hard has had on modern cinema.

The timeless one-liners, the captivating cinematography that you just can’t look away from, the personality and care for every single main and minor character alike, the perfect pacing and suspense and twists and turns, the healthy dose of in-cop-etence; with countless attempts to replicate it and none of them coming close.

It’s everything and more that a Christma- I mean action movie is supposed to be.

1.7 / 10 true rating

What is this movie even about? What is the takeaway? Is it a coming of age romcom? Is it a Christmas-drama? Is it a Post-Malone concert???

This movie REFUSES to end and instead opts to ruin its originally fun premise and get more and more muddy trying to shoehorn a feel-good ending until it takes Chekhov’s gun and shoots itself in the foot.

All I know is that you need to make sure to work on your spelling, kids.

Every film I’ve reviewed on this ranked in order from worst to best based off my scores for MAXIMUM buffoonery.

1. Surf's Up 2: WaveMania
2. Dear Santa
3. The Cat in the Hat
4. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story
5. Wicked
6. The Fire Inside
7. Fall
8. Surf's Up
9. Kill Bill: Vol. 1
10. Die Hard

...plus 1 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.