MST3K rating: ***1/2

Another “lost episode” found on the YouTube.
Maybe this should rate higher as an MST episode for the preceding short Design For Dreaming and because Bridget Nelson is hilarious in the following host segments, but the feature movie is soooooo FUUUUUUU******NG drab that it took me 5 days to finish watching it.
12 people crammed into one location/two sets doesn't make for a riveting trip to the moon…
Anyhoo, funny riffs, but the movie is dull dull dull - like a deflated beach ball.

Rifftrax rating **1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

MST3K ****

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K **1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Actually this movie was ambitious and pretty decent while still being mostly crap.
But the filmmakers should be praised rather than panned, coz they had the technical chops to elevate this low budget slasher beyond just a cheap exploitative gorefest. 
Definite kudos to the grips and camera crew, the dolly and handheld shots were above average to say the least for the usual Rifftrax’d horror film.
Anyway, enough praise, it’s still not a great movie but definitely less painful than Things or Lycan Colony by a f**king country mile and a half!
And the fact that the riffing was ace meant it was a good night all round.

Fave riffs include:
“She’s somehow a worse babysitter than the one from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.”

“If it’s really October, how come this empty building hasn’t been taken over by a Spirit Halloween Store?”

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: *****

MST3K ****
AKA: Appreciating Our Parents

MST3K ***

Rifftrax ***

MST3K ****

MST3K rating:***1/2

-the first thing that surprised me on that ride was th-[splice cut]
“Was being sucked through a time portal”

“Do you know a Jim?”

“The water works about an hour a day; I’d boil the hell out of it if I were you.”

“I saw a new midget circus”

“Bag-o in car-o”

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K **

MST3K **1/2

MST3K ***

Rifftrax Live rating: ****

MST3K ****1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

This is dumb, and misogynistic, as f**k, but Robert Forster’s performance is quite decent and really tries to elevate this, but the movie is so sh*t that it just can’t. Apparently his performance here was also a factor in Tarantino picking him for Jackie Brown - I mean, okay I suppose… but wait, actually, are you serious? Anyhoo…

Fave riffs include -

“Mr. Noodle, M.E.”

(Jeff Conaway runs away from police)
“And ironically he’s run over by a taxi.”

(Cut to late 80’s Yuppie Lounge Bar)
“Meanwhile in Yacht Rock Land…”

(Camera tracks in to guy in large 80’s suit)
“David Byrne wants his suit back”

(Female protagonist is introduced to villain, played by Duncan Regehr)
“I’m Michael Douglas and Will Forte smashed together “

(Cop to coroner) Whaddya got?
“Complicated issues surrounding death and sexuality?”

(Fade up on smouldering burnt out car)
“Somewhere in heaven, JG Ballard engorges”

(“Action” scene with Robert Forster trying to evade serial killer on roof)
“They really thought that Robert Forster lumbering about would put butts in seats?”

(Villain falls, shot, from great height through skylight crashing through wall of TVs onto floor, seemingly dead)
“Aw c’mon, no one could survive that! Ok, maybe Mick Foley.”

Rifftrax rating: **1/2

The Mads rating: ***

MST3K ***

MST3K **1/2

MST3K rating: ***

MST3K ***

MST3K rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

F**king hell, this movie makes it really hard to keep saying Things is the WORST movie ever made.

Rifftrax: ***

AKA Beaks!
Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

Gloriously daft as f**k and chock full of ace riffs.

Rifftrax rating: ****

This is just bats - Continuity and logic be damned!

Fave riffs include:

(Villain is seated wearing a white panama hat and a white suit)
“Shouldn’t you be running SCTV?”
NB - Any SCTV reference gets full marks here

And then comes a pop culture riff so personally endorphin rewarding that I had to stop the movie to pull myself together and I think it ranks among the best of the deepest cuts from the MST3K golden age;
(Dozens of skinny white teen ninjas wearing tall black toques, black t-shirts and combat pants roller blade toward martial arts school)
“Ninjas or a bunch of Jim Anchower Cosplayers”
“Hola Amigos, I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya…”
…Chef’s kiss, Rifftrax…

MST 3K ****
AKA: Cave Dwellers

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K ****

MST3K ***1/2

The Mads rating: *1/2

Rifftrax: ***1/2

MST3K ****

MST3K **1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

MST3K rating ***1/2

MST3K rating: ****

fave riffs include:

"Carnival Magnum PI ... Carnival Magi!"

"Hey title, don't go away we just got to know you."

"It's the producers telling him to unbutton his shirt"

"George A Romero's Night of the Living Carnies"

"This way mini David Spade!"

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2
Superb!

Fave riffs include:

“More Charles DeGaulle’s arrive!”

“ Waiting, waiting, waiting…”
“Godot is late again!”

(Peter Lorre squeezes past Bogart and doorman)
“Boo Berry coming through”

“And now, Dooley Wilson and his Swinging Jihadis!”

All the running Knock On Wood gags

“Mmmmmademoiselle.”

- Kiss me like it was the last time.
“And then hold me like we did on Naboo.”

(Ingrid Bergman walks in to Rick’s Cafe Americain after hours)
“NORM!”

“Come back tomorrow night, we got a Moroccan Lady Gaga cover band, call themselves Poker Fez.”

(Laszlo to Strasser) - What if you murdered all of us? From every corner of Europe, hundreds, thousands would rise up to take our places.
“Well, maybe not …”

-Nazi punches French soldier who punches him back.
“A French guy that fights back?! Oh my God we found him!!”

- You’re a rank sentimentalist!
“An insult you don’t hear very much in a bar”

(The plane to Lisbon takes off with Ilsa and Laszlo)
“Due to the weather we will be rerouting to Berlin and our in-flight movie is The Sorrow and The Pity…”

MST3K ****

MST3K rating: ***1/2

Some good riffs and host segments save this episode from being a real slog.

-Waiter! Waiter! We’ll have the Buddha Delight, pronto!

(Servo sings over the title music)

Fu manchu-uuu

A real bad man with a plan thats foo-ooo

Hes the clown in robe stands about seven foot two-ooo.

-Come on we cant keep making fun of the names, get on with it!

-Oh no Bob Hope is killing people!

-Hello, we are your new neighbours, may we borrow some pesto?

-Bob Hope IS “The Mechanic”!

“She fights like a man.”

-But she breaks just like a little girl

-You know cutting it faster doesnt make it any more exciting!

(Close up of a ticking clock)

-Yes we know how long this movie’s been on, don’t rub it our faces!

-Suzie Wong was arraigned in Los Angeles County Court for impersonating Marlo Thomas.

-Oh great, he’s the only one who knows the plot and he’s dying.

- Who timed this print, Stevie Wonder?

(Assassins creep through field of tall grass)

-It’s like the ninja version of Days Of Heaven

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K ****

Rifftrax rating ***

MST3K ***1/2

MST3K ****

MST3K ****

Cinematic Titanic ***1/2

Cinematic Titanic: **1/2

Cinematic titanic ***1/2

Cinematic Titanic: ***
Wat of the Insects: 1/2 star

MST3K **1/2

Rifftrax rating:***

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

I it I did rent this back in 91/92 though to be fair it was for the same noble purpose as rewatching it tonight on Rifftrax - taking the absolute piss out of it!
But yeah it’s still just horribly dated garbage. Horribly dated garbage photgraphed by Janusz “schindler’s list” Kaminski, but garbage nonetheless.

Fave riffs include:

- Kathy!
“Wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy ACK!”

-(rapid montage of XCU undeterminable tv clips)
“Its the Michael Bay’s Attention Span channel”

“Watching a kid play video games: the motion picture!”

-WHERE’S MY BIKE AT?!
“The four word synopsis of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”

-douchebag boyfriend drags girlfriend through parking lot and calls her a sl*t
“Settle down fella this ain’t Goodfellas, this is Cool As Ice”

“Does his head even go up and down?”

“Wait a second I look like an idiot”

“So are the other guys in House Of Pain nice?”

“Well… I think we’re out of scene…”

“Oh why couldn't I fall for a boy who just wants to cut footloose or have the time of my life?”

“Do the Dandruff!”

“Really makes looking stupid seem easy”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2