MST3K *****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Goodness me this is a mess!
So many ill-fitting lenses, ridiculously over-long shots and goofy performances - amazing I’d never heard of this before seeing it listed on Rifftrax.

Sure the funny riffing makes this bearable but one in particular sums up this dog:

“The Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video reenacted by shlubs.”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

This is dumb, and misogynistic, as f**k, but Robert Forster’s performance is quite decent and really tries to elevate this, but the movie is so sh*t that it just can’t. Apparently his performance here was also a factor in Tarantino picking him for Jackie Brown - I mean, okay I suppose… but wait, actually, are you serious? Anyhoo…

Fave riffs include -

“Mr. Noodle, M.E.”

(Jeff Conaway runs away from police)
“And ironically he’s run over by a taxi.”

(Cut to late 80’s Yuppie Lounge Bar)
“Meanwhile in Yacht Rock Land…”

(Camera tracks in to guy in large 80’s suit)
“David Byrne wants his suit back”

(Female protagonist is introduced to villain, played by Duncan Regehr)
“I’m Michael Douglas and Will Forte smashed together “

(Cop to coroner) Whaddya got?
“Complicated issues surrounding death and sexuality?”

(Fade up on smouldering burnt out car)
“Somewhere in heaven, JG Ballard engorges”

(“Action” scene with Robert Forster trying to evade serial killer on roof)
“They really thought that Robert Forster lumbering about would put butts in seats?”

(Villain falls, shot, from great height through skylight crashing through wall of TVs onto floor, seemingly dead)
“Aw c’mon, no one could survive that! Ok, maybe Mick Foley.”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Fave riffs include:

(VC officer killed by thrown knife)
“Gah why did I pre-grimace instead of trying to avoid that?”

“BOBBY McBain?!?”
“Why not Little Timmy McBain?”

“How did Granny Clampett end up working for a Colombian dictator?”

“When Mormons go speedboating”

“So Chris, you got a nice boat do you ever go waterskiing up the NATALIE WOOD!!! Oh god I'm so sorry I don’t know where that came from!”

(Henchman is pushed out of a building and his offscreen impact coincides with a cat screech)
“He landed on Wilhelm’s Cat!”

(Steve James to pilot reading instructions)
 - Hey buddy, when was the last time you flew one of these things?
“77 Skynyrd Tour.”

“These guys seem less like action heroes than friends in a Mentos ad”

“The SIDE?! How could we have ever seen that they could attack from the side?!”

MST3K rating: ****

(Rating boosted from 3 to 4 stars)

Fave riffs include:

(raider wearing bat wings on his helmet)

“You guys would tell me if I look ridiculous, right?”

“It’s hard to be menacing when you’re dressed like Maude.”

Deathstalker: Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.

“Spo-dee-o-dee”

Rifftrax rating: ****

Look, there’s no point trying to make a movie that’s worse than Things, it just ain’t gonna happen.
But way to give it a try.

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2
Superb!

Fave riffs include:

“More Charles DeGaulle’s arrive!”

“ Waiting, waiting, waiting…”
“Godot is late again!”

(Peter Lorre squeezes past Bogart and doorman)
“Boo Berry coming through”

“And now, Dooley Wilson and his Swinging Jihadis!”

All the running Knock On Wood gags

“Mmmmmademoiselle.”

- Kiss me like it was the last time.
“And then hold me like we did on Naboo.”

(Ingrid Bergman walks in to Rick’s Cafe Americain after hours)
“NORM!”

“Come back tomorrow night, we got a Moroccan Lady Gaga cover band, call themselves Poker Fez.”

(Laszlo to Strasser) - What if you murdered all of us? From every corner of Europe, hundreds, thousands would rise up to take our places.
“Well, maybe not …”

-Nazi punches French soldier who punches him back.
“A French guy that fights back?! Oh my God we found him!!”

- You’re a rank sentimentalist!
“An insult you don’t hear very much in a bar”

(The plane to Lisbon takes off with Ilsa and Laszlo)
“Due to the weather we will be rerouting to Berlin and our in-flight movie is The Sorrow and The Pity…”

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

First of all, the monster looks ri-cockulous.
Secondly, Rifftrax simply MUST find/acquire more of these previously un-riffed kaiju flicks.
And lastly C, this is rifftastic and dumb as toast; wonderful!

MST3K rating: ****

I’ve tried watching this at least half a dozen times, and finally tonight I finished it.
It’s a real slog but not because the MST riffing is lacking - it’s pretty damn good actually - but coz the, ahem, “movie” is mostly low quality audio with multiple scenes of cruddy musical and dancing numbers which overpad this absolute donkey.
Anyhoo, loads of good riffs throughout, but caveat emptor coz the movie is the epitome of diminishing returns.

MST3K rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

F**king hell, this movie makes it really hard to keep saying Things is the WORST movie ever made.

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Daft, wacky, batshit nuts movie, made much better with quality Rifftrax riffing!

Fave riffs include:

“Meanwhile back at Russ Meyer fantasy camp…”

There’s much more, honest, but I wasn't keeping track, and that one sums it up pretty good anyway.

Rifftrax rating: ****

Actually this movie was ambitious and pretty decent while still being mostly crap.
But the filmmakers should be praised rather than panned, coz they had the technical chops to elevate this low budget slasher beyond just a cheap exploitative gorefest. 
Definite kudos to the grips and camera crew, the dolly and handheld shots were above average to say the least for the usual Rifftrax’d horror film.
Anyway, enough praise, it’s still not a great movie but definitely less painful than Things or Lycan Colony by a f**king country mile and a half!
And the fact that the riffing was ace meant it was a good night all round.

Fave riffs include:
“She’s somehow a worse babysitter than the one from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.”

“If it’s really October, how come this empty building hasn’t been taken over by a Spirit Halloween Store?”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Boo for the terrible movie.
Yay for the shots of the old Toronto waterfront skyline at night! Just the CN Tower and like maybe 6 skyscrapers - so simple yet beautiful, while only missing a view of the Royal York Hotel which would have still been visible at that time. 
Just so ya know, the old Bank Of Montreal building aka First Canadian Place is the one the UFO crashes into!

Rifftrax rating: ****

“The fight scenes are 90% unforced errors!”

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Summed up by one riff thusly:

“This is the darkest Seinfeld episode “

(But only if you make it that far, coz it’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaad)

+ 10000 bonus points for Mr. Bill reference

AKA Beaks!
Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

Gloriously daft as f**k and chock full of ace riffs.

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

“Guam! We have a sideways tree!”
“Guam! We have a pool!”

“Carmen Electra reading the paper? Does that make this a sci-fi?”

Rifftrax rating: ***

“This movie helped a lot of people”
Woof.

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ****

Dear Every Movie I Ever Once Called The Worst,
I’m so sorry, I take it all back. I honestly had no idea this existed, and even after I did it took sitting through it to realize just how wrong I was.
I unreservedly offer you my most sincere apologies for my prior slanders upon you.
Sincerely,
Me

This is just SO F****************G TERRRRRIBLE that it defies review.
Just one question: why bother having film schools at all if someone can make this and have it end up getting a “serious” Blu-Ray packaging released nearly 20 years later?
Whats the fucking point?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

MST3K rating: ****

(Precedes 12 to the Moon)

MST3K rating: ***1/2

Another “lost episode” found on the YouTube.
Maybe this should rate higher as an MST episode for the preceding short Design For Dreaming and because Bridget Nelson is hilarious in the following host segments, but the feature movie is soooooo FUUUUUUU******NG drab that it took me 5 days to finish watching it.
12 people crammed into one location/two sets doesn't make for a riveting trip to the moon…
Anyhoo, funny riffs, but the movie is dull dull dull - like a deflated beach ball.

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

On its own, this movie exceeded my expectations in spite of and also because of its absolute confidence and acceptance of what it is; formulaic pop-culture genre.
The script is what it is (decent idea, not awesome, lots of crap dialogue and frequent obvious beats) however;
Dean Cundey’s typically excellent cinematography already makes this 3x as good as it could have been.
Patrick Swayze is at his PEAK (jesus christ that aaassssss!) and frankly he’s bloody good too, oh and plus Sam Elliott and Ben Gazzarra.
One extra but very important point; finally seeing this now has only reminded me that Jeff Healey is gone and left us far too soon. Absolutely sad it’s been 17 years without him and the music he could have been making.
Anyhoo this was a Rifftrax watch so;

There are many good riffs throughout but this one is all that needs mentioning;

“Every bad guy in this looks like they could've been maimed in Shake Hands With Danger”

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

For so, so very long I’ve wanted to watch Gymkata as a “so bad it’s good movie” and what’s even better is there’s a Rifftrax for it - and oh my goodness, it’s even worse/better than I could have possibly hoped. Just an absolutely batshit nuts cheapo idiotic movie that is PERFECT for Rifftrax. 

Fave riffs include:

“Crotch: The Motion Picture!”

“Gymnastics groupies get no respect.”

“This movie doesnt know how sentences work.”

(Jonathan handstand-walks up set of stairs in training)
“This field sobriety test is pretty harsh”

“Robert DeNiro. Kenny Loggins. They’re cops!”

“I think the director just bet someone he could kill Kurt Thomas on camera.”

“Hey look, it’s Scott Hamilton!”
“Dammit!”

“Float like a butterfly; sting like Mary Lou Retton!”

(3 bearded prisoners get a head start into The Game)
“The running of the Zach Galifinakises”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: **1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Fave riffs include:

(Scientists drill into ice shelf in Antarctica)
“Ben and Jerry’s: the true story”

“Dammit Jerry you broke the South Pole”

(Kenneth Welsh as Vice President)
“Vice President Chick Deney”

“Yes I’d like to order my car in booger green please”

“Third Coen Brother, how’s it going?”

-Where are you?
“I’m on the corner of Dead and Meat!”

“I think he’s Edward James, almost!”

(Doctor approaches young cancer patient)
“Oh little Timmy Kojack is ill”

“Caution: approaching watery grave in mirror may be closer than it appears”

“Glug? What the hell did he mean by Glug?”

(Frank cuts the rope and drops to his death in Galleria)
“Just gonna drop by the food court OH GOD MY SPINE!!”

“Get ready for Fargo: The Musical!”

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

MST3K rating: ****1/2

Boosted from 3 to 4.5

I was clearly a fool about this episode first time around. This is great MST from start to finish - hilarious well-linked host segments, quality rapid riffing and a more watchable classic bad movie

Fave riffs include:

(Opening credits appear over flames)

“Roger Corman’s Backdraft!”

“You have fingers… I like that in a man.”

- Excuse me did i say nonsense?

“I meant fluffernutter”

- Take it easy, Diana.

“Don’t let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy.”

- Like falling into a deep…

“Cleansing!”

“Discount!”

…deep…

“Heating!”

“Purple!”

…sleep.

(A knight inspects gravedigger’s wagon)

“Pullest thy vehicle to thw curb and showest me thy license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?”

“This is pretty nice sir, does it get good mileage?”

“I’m just goingst to let thou off with a warning this time and make surest thou takest carest of thatest tailest lightest!”

(Cheap prop bats fly into tavern)

“Ah, it’s beautiful when the tortillas come back to Capistrano”

“Fight choreography by Leo Sayer.”

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

Many many good riffs, but especially good ones around Yoda:

“Around my backside smooches plant!”

- Yoda vs Count Dooku with added Speedy Gonzalez arriba! and ándale!

“Under the desk hide until the battle over is I will!“

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ****

The Film Crew rating: **

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating:***1/2

Rifftrax Live rating: ****

Rifftrax Live rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax Live rating: ****1/2

Aka Ninja Warlord
Rifftrax rating: ***1/2
Oh my god the Pink Floyd tracks!!

Fave riffs include:

“Filmed in glorious StutterVision”

-title card over freeze frame villain laughing
“The Ninja Warlord, part of NBC’s Thursday night comedy lineup!”

“Chinese Charles Bronson does not look happy”

- final opening credit title: edited for television by Larry Bensky
“Edited for television?”
“Yep it aired on PBS right after the MacNeil Lehrer Report”

“I want my look to be Tom Wolfe goes to the opera”

“Are fishing taxes your only idea?!”

“You know, for ninjas, these guys aren’t very stealthy; i can see ALL of them”

“It feels like they’re dressed for different movies, but neither of them for THIS movie”

“Luau Squad! Thursdays this fall on ABC!”

- If you can take 3 blows from me I’ll let him go….
“Alright, go ahead and blow me”

The Film Crew rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ****

Rifftrax rating: ****1/2

I it I did rent this back in 91/92 though to be fair it was for the same noble purpose as rewatching it tonight on Rifftrax - taking the absolute piss out of it!
But yeah it’s still just horribly dated garbage. Horribly dated garbage photgraphed by Janusz “schindler’s list” Kaminski, but garbage nonetheless.

Fave riffs include:

- Kathy!
“Wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy ACK!”

-(rapid montage of XCU undeterminable tv clips)
“Its the Michael Bay’s Attention Span channel”

“Watching a kid play video games: the motion picture!”

-WHERE’S MY BIKE AT?!
“The four word synopsis of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”

-douchebag boyfriend drags girlfriend through parking lot and calls her a sl*t
“Settle down fella this ain’t Goodfellas, this is Cool As Ice”

“Does his head even go up and down?”

“Wait a second I look like an idiot”

“So are the other guys in House Of Pain nice?”

“Well… I think we’re out of scene…”

“Oh why couldn't I fall for a boy who just wants to cut footloose or have the time of my life?”

“Do the Dandruff!”

“Really makes looking stupid seem easy”

Rifftrax rating: ***1/2

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: ***

Rifftrax rating: *****

I bought this for Cynthia Rothrock (sigh), and she’s not in it for a long while, but when she does show up she most definitely brings it. 
On it’s own, It’s an absolutely crackers annoying idiotic movie, though the fighting and stunts are top shelf and it is kinda fun overall. 
But add some ace riffing from Mike, Bill and Kevin and you have one heckuva Rifftrax entry!

Fave riffs include:
“When you get to Hell, tell ‘em evil Kenny Loggins sent you!”

“That’s its finger, right?”

“They’re being attacked by competing productions of West Side Story!”

“He’s like if Moo Deng was a kid”

“Look, I can explain the hair.”

“David Cronenberg designed a Roomba”

- Go and eat shit
“Golden Corral’s new slogan!”

“She Etsy’d him to death”

“Empty boxes are Hong Kong’s number one export”

“The legend is true; if you kick a guy three times, Cynthia Rothrock appears”
(I f**kin wish…)

“Stooge Fu!”
“Nyuk nyuk nyuk”

“Ow my chest! That’s where the important stuff is!”

“All hail PinPin!”

Very highly recommended!

Rifftrax rating: ****

“And a merry Klaatu Berata Nicto to all!”

Do not be afraid young man.
“We are characters from a Rush concept album.”

I think we understand Christmas now.
“It’s about briefly helping someone you ignore the rest of the year.”

Rifftrax rating: ****

MST3K *****

MST3K rating: *****

Is it true that they got the rights back to this, one of the all-time best MST episodes?! 

Truly a Thanksgiving miracle!!

Great to see it included in this year’s Turkey Day marathon!

-Hurrah! the movie’s closed today because of snow!

(Evil villain Sartorus grins and nods)

-I think the movies goin’ really well

-Randy Bachman's being pursued by sadomasochists

(Bharbara Egan’s name appears in the opening credits)

-That’s an illegal use of a silent consonant

-Well if I’m going to be a ventriloquist’s dummy I better learn how to live in this trunk.

-Eww, I shouldn’t have filed that sandwich

-The guy’s working on his Bud Cort scrapbook

(Hooded villain lurks in the background)

-Hey!! El Santo!

(After a long period of silence)

-This script was punched up by Harpo Marx

-You know it’s spring when the executioners start getting in the house

-Canadian villain Garth Vader

-Aw, now we have to listen to As It Happens

-And they take refuge in the Anne Murray National Forest

-So, Rowsdower; is that a stupid name or…?

-Rowsdower, could you put out my head?

(Foley fx of footsteps in the woods)

-Somebody’s breaking shredded wheat biscuits.

-The “just-about-to-sneeze” God.

-My Hawkwind album cover will help!

-They’ve stumbled upon Geddy Lee’s birthplace!

(Rifle carrying men wearing executioner’s hoods run through the woods)

- Its the Wizard Of Id biathlon

- I had a hard time saddling up the missus today

And of course

- I wonder if there’s beer on the sun

MST3K *****

MST3K *****

MST3K *****
AKA: Pod People