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Honestly, I had no clue what was going on except for when Jennifer Coolidge was on screen.

So...humanity has been fully eradicated for hundreds of years and the future generations of the male simians who replaced us ALSO can't shut the fuck up about the Roman empire? Just nuke the whole planet and start over.

As visually immense and spectacular as Dawn, and a fantastic closing to the Cesar trilogy. The writing felt a bit rushed toward the end, and I don’t like when a franchise only utilizes it’s female characters as leverage for male character development, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t gut wrenchingly effective to fridge those cute little monkeys—war’s a bitch and so is Woody Harrelson!

Second only to Fury Road as the best franchise blockbuster of the 2010s. Holds up better even than I expected. A major improvement on every level over the already great first chapter. I wish we got a big, expensive popcorn movie this solid every summer.

Keep your zombies, I like my apocalypse foes to be fuzzy and justified in their hatred of man. And Jame Franco was always the villain, glad we all eventually came around on that.

An almost beat for beat reskin of The Addams Family movie, if only this had also had an MC Hammer rap theme and an SNES game *dabs away single tear*. The whole ‘bumbling, greedy con artists vs earnest, autistic millionaires’ is actually a sturdy formula that feels slightly more appropriate here (the Addams were always rich but The Hillbillies’ wealth is baked into its central premise/theme song). However, that doesn’t really help it feel fresh or mean the comedy always lands (Rob Schneider does co-star). On the other hand, Lily Tomlin’s hard-camp face acting is worth the watch alone (salute to a national treasure).

Was hoping for some crazier Italo gator FX than a floating fiberglass log, but at least the last ten minutes went hard. A little boring but it’s well shot, has great scenery and the music slapped, I’m not upset about it 🪩🐊

More basic than a bag of off-brand tighty-whities, but it did make me nostalgic for the VHS horror boom of the late 80s when all you needed was some killer box art and a simple premise like "electricity evil!". I kinda assumed this must have been a TV movie, but it wasn't, just a straight forward pg-13 shocker, which makes sense considering the production design and budget (incredible opening title sequence, btw). I guess the most notable aspect was casting both of the older Lawrence brothers as children before they were famous. Loved hearing a 6yo Matthew Lawrence describe the opening murder scene in grisly detail with a rambling, impossible to understand lisp, butchered bowl cut and a shit eating grin. I didn't hate it.

As a fan of the original comic strip and forgotten 80s camp in general, it was a little disappointing to find out this was even more of a low effort dud than I feared. At least we got to see Brooke Shields water ski on a pair of alligators 🤷

Schmaltzy, and the dialogue is oof, but it seems to mean well. Kept my attention for the most part and didnt overstay its welcome. Almost makes me nostalgic for the middle brow/mid budget Redbox rental, but not quite.

Competent (derogatory). Ashley Judd's husband is always up to some kind of bullshit.

Nowhere near the narrative insanity of Space Jam or the technical prowess of Roger Rabbit, the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie seems to exist only as a vehicle for industry embarrassment to all involved, particularly Rene Russo (who seemingly had the majority of her lines removed because she couldn’t do the voice) Robert DeNiro (who also produced this??), Jason Alexander (who wore his embarrassment on his face the entire movie) and Pulitzer Prize/Oscar winning screenwriter Kenneth Longerman, who made me burst out laughing when I saw his name during the closing credits (this apparently was released only a few months after You Can Count On Me, pfft—vibe).

I like Jenna Ortega, she should try playing a new character sometime. This was yet another low-watt ‘social satire’ for adults with the kind of lazy moral you could have ripped straight out of any random children’s movie, but like, edgy because of all the CGI gore. This lost me the moment they didn’t explain why or how they lifted that dead unicorn (or fit it) in the back of a SUV. By the time they introduced the unicorn blood premise, every following story beat felt like ticking off a checklist. The unicorn creatures could have been fun if they didn’t cover what precious few practical effect shots they had with a chintzy digital sheen. The budget Polar Express CGI took me out of the movie, yet aesthetically retained none of the uncanny horror of an actual CGI abomination like The Polar Express—boo!

Pristine garbage. No stakes, no plot, just barely animate, uncanny freak puppets who leak vomit, piss, shit, snot and pus. It’s also sorta randomly radical in its stand against the ugly laws of pre-80s America. Half star of honor.

“These aren’t the hands of a cop…they’re the hands of… A Working Man.”

Whereas The Beekeeper was a fun and goofy spin on the Taken formula, this is just…Taken? Aggressively mid but had enough man camp to hold my interest for 2 hours.

If you were wondering why they’d bother making a seven-year-late sequel to a movie mostly ed for its behind-the-scenes feud, Another Simple Favor isn’t going to give you any convincing reasons outside of ‘Italy.’ Ignoring all the plot holes, ridiculous retcons, far-fetched scenarios, and sitcom-level dialogue, all this really has to offer is location and costumes, which you’d think were part of the comedy if you weren’t familiar with Lively’s M.O. (and that they don’t allow a single joke at the expense of her costumes to be made, even about that hat). Also, recasting Jean Smart with someone ten years her junior and explaining it away with ‘facelift’ was… rude, even if that laziness was accidentally kinda funny, considering the character is over 70 and their Alzheimer’s is central to the plot.

It's definitely simple, no arguments there, but as far as wine mom thriller comedies go, it gets the job done and I can't think of a better role for Blake Lively than an ultra vain, try hard grifter.

And the Wicker Man bellowed; “ACAB, JESUS FREAK—NO COPS AT MAY DAY!!!” 🔥

A nice surprise! The best anthology flick I've seen since Trick r Treat. I was ittedly turned off by the corny poster and the 80s-by-way-of-2013 production/promotional design, but once I saw Too $hort's name in the opening credits I was fully on board (the needle drops did not disappoint). More on the Pulp Fiction side of the anthology fence than Creepshow, I liked the soft sci-fi vibes, very Repo Man. The collective 'underdog vs. fascist' theme kept me hyped and I liked how they tied it all together in the end. Great cast, too. Glad I gave it a shot.

As a millennial, I have a fair amount of nostalgia for the boomer nostalgia that was force fed to us in the 80s/90s, specifically their fondness for the paranoid sci-fi & monster movies of their childhood. USA aired a double feature of this and the original sometime around Halloween in the mid 90s and my grandfather was down enough to know he should probably record and mail it to his 9 year old monster obsessed grandson who didn’t have cable. I’m pretty sure this was my first Hooper, but it’s possible I saw this and Poltergeist that same fall as this was around the time my mom gave up on trying to keep gore puppets out of the house.

This movie also kicked off a 40s/50s sci-fi micro obsession I’d have for a couple years. It’s a bummer thinking about how hard it was to track down even the biggest old sci-fi movies back then. I my mom having to go to multiple college libraries to find titles that are now widely and freely available (tubi would have rocked my world).

As an adult, this didn’t do much for me beyond scratch that specific 50s-pastiche-in-the-80s itch, it’s essentially just Invasion of the Body Snatchers with a child protagonist and puppets, but it’s always nice to spend some time with Karen Black and a talking brain.

Don’t act like locking lips with Patrick Stewart isn’t a bigger haul than Mathilda May 🙄

As low of a high-concept as you could get (he’s trapped in a car! How will he get out of the car!?). Any expectation you’d have for this premise is explored quickly and gotten out of the way, but not to make way for meatier stakes, set ups or reveals, just for more scenes of Anthony Hopkins remotely torturing Lil Peep Davidson in the back of his luxury SUV. The final act feels AI drafted, fumbling through the motions of what has already been set up, getting to the finish line by rolling the dice with perfunctory conclusions and overstaying its welcome with those last ten minutes of unnecessary and flat narrative wrap ups (had to get this movie to the 90m mark somehow I suppose). I just want to know why he smashed everything in the car with the exception of the console display.

Why did we get so many bad Valentines Day movies this year? The 2012 BuzzFeed humor made this impossible to stomach. Millennials make the worst movies. [Edit: The director used to write for collegehumor.com… 🎶everything in its right place🎶]

The first of at least two movies (that I’m aware of) where Nicole Kidman and Zach Efron play inappropriately paired love interests. But this is the one where she pisses on his face.

Love that they cast two actors who were 40 years apart in age as love interests only to be forced to obfuscate/imply their on screen romance and hide their climactic kiss behind a speeding train because...ew.

My mom discovered Criterion Blu-rays this past fall and has been buying one or two a month to bring over and watch on the big screen. Her dog ed away this past year along with some folks that she was close with, so this ended up working as a makeshift therapy session. A really beautiful film, I love Laurie Anderson (and my mom, a couple of sweeties).

Watched on Monday April 21, 2025.

Watched on Monday March 3, 2025.

GOOD GOD…SHE’S IN THE YARD!!!

The A24ification of schlocky winter released studio horror has been a real boner smasher, ooof.

Glad I watched Black Bag first, oof. I don’t think I’ve liked any of Soderbergh’s one-trick pony experiments and this was no different. It felt like it was written on a plane trip and then shot the following weekend. There’s a lot of stilted acting, especially the father and son. I’m not sure the single take/ghost POV gimmick paid off enough to justify the community theater acting it resulted in. Julia Fox killed her cameo, though (go figure).

Ouch. Virtually unwatchable studio slop, why is this the kind of original film being released in theaters? D- writing, acting, action, direction... even the score is aggressively inept. It was depressing watching Ke Huy Quan’s leading man opportunities go up in flames before my eyes. Speaking of rancid post-Oscar win performances, Ariana Debose clearly can not ‘do the thing’. She needs to be taken out behind the woodshed already, this has gotta stop.

This is a perfect example of why I love knowing as little as possible about a movie before pressing play, I got a lot more than the generic sniper actioner I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong, this is total schlock and full of holes, but it’s also genuinely campy and as corny as a summer turd. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on board for every stupid reveal, grinning through my laughter. It kept up with the pace of my expectations and wasn’t afraid of a big swing, regardless of how inexplicable and messy it all got. Plus, it’s always a win when Sigourney Weaver shows up to twirl her figurative mustache for whatever amount of screen time a production can afford.

A structurally insane, Zionist, 400 million dollar sequel to a Disney+ miniseries nobody watched (🎶livin’ in Americaaa🎶). The MCU rotted on the vine a long time ago but it still manages to impress me with its excessive, escalating failures. This was uglier, more bloated, genocidal and packed with more military propaganda/product placement than whatever other Marvel movie you find most loathsome. The cinematic equivalent of when your dog eats their own shit and vomits it up on the carpet for you to clean up after a long day. A holistically miserable experience that actually made me think less of Harrison Ford as a person and an actor.

The kind of award season biopic I can actually get behind (and timely as hell, jfc). Great to see Salles back on his game. Fernanda was robbed. Insane that they didn’t release this digitally until well after the Oscars. Judging by how few of the folks I follow here have logged this, and considering that y’all are intense movie nerds, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that their release strategy didn’t do them any long term favors.

Finally! A mid-budget, well written crowd pleaser for adults…and yet all my gay brainrot could think about was how glamorous Blanchett looked (all those 8ft tall boots—gasp!). This was the most I’ve enjoyed a movie Soderbergh or Koepp have made since the early 00s. A solid little Agatha Christie-ass office space spy mystery.

Listen, I love a disabled action hero, so much so that I’m willing to overlook gaping plot holes and even some low-key ablism in the name of revenge visibility…but this was pushing the limit of how much bullshit I can ignore before it ruins my Friday night vibe. The movie actively doesn’t want to know anything about the real disability the protagonist has, treating it purely as a sight gag/unlimited superpower. This completely eliminates any stakes by making him invincible while simultaneously disrespecting anyone with this actual condition with the implication that this character’s real disability was being a sensitive little bitch all these years for apparently no reason…despite all the valid rational laid out in the first act, like most people with CIPA don’t live past 25 and die from benign accidents like biting their tongue while eating solid foods? Or that their injuries TAKE LONGER to heal.

I’m split on this one. I’m not as into BJH’s blunt social commentary when paired with broad comedy or sci-fi elements, and this was heavy on both. The whimsy just doesn’t translate, even in a fully English production. I’m not opposed to heavy handed satire, but this felt a little too underdeveloped and flat to fully connect with (Mark Ruffalo’s Trump impression sucked out any subtly this thing had left). Pattinson went hard and his performance saves the movie from itself. He is routinely turning in phenomenal work in movies that don’t quite work for me.

For some reason I went into this thinking it was a true crime adaptation. I got further than I’d like to it before I googled it (ps. this script was at the top of The Blacklist? Oof…how?). Anyway, it’s wild how often Kidman is cast in roles where it’s not at all believable that her character could afford/desire the amount of cosmetic surgeries she’s visibly had on her face. I’m kinda into it, ngl.

Well made, packs a fun cast but the millennial secret society/cult thriller is starting to get a little redundant and this doesn’t up the stakes enough to differentiate itself from it’s peers. I never bought John Malkovich as a pop star (cult leader was an easy sell, though). I might have if the music was more convincing, seeing Niles Rogers and The-Dream’s name in the opening credits set my expectations a little too high. The ending was pretty weak, kinda just fizzles out on a “well no shit” observation on the inherent nature of true-crime reporting. Glad to see Ayo in a staring role, though.

s the crowded ranks of terrible Stephen King adaptations, somewhere in the forgettable middle. I hate a smug, irreverent Gen-X horror comedy. Unbearably hip and gratingly unfunny. The script was slop and the chintzy cgi creature fx/gore sucked out whatever fun this had to offer. I’m actively disinterested in whatever Perkins directs at this point, woof.

Ex Machina if it got the Bodies Bodies Bodies remix. Honestly enjoyed this way more than I expected, Sophie Thatcher is officially a scream queen. Extra applause for the needle drops—Beverly Glenn Copeland, Labi Siffre and Book of Love?! Had a blast.

A far more meditative and experimental adaptation than I was expecting, easily my favorite film of 2024. Colson Whitehead is one of the best contemporary American novelists we’ve got and The Nickel Boys is some of his best work. I was a little nervous when I found out this plays with some first person perspective cinematography, but this was clearly in the right hands and is an efficient visual tool for what would have otherwise been difficult to adapt (especially the literary device that’s employed at the end of the novel). 

I love how RaMell Ross included so much of what had been cut from the novel into the production design (events/characters who had been removed appear in blink-and-you’ll-miss-it background moments). There’s a deep respect to the source material in a way that I don’t often feel with book adaptations. Everything that was cut felt purposeful, including a lot of horror, sexual violence and language (I don’t know if I could have stomached seeing visual reenactments of much of what is described in the book, despite how tactfully Whitehead handled it).

I’m a little bummed how overlooked the performances and crafts were this past season, this holds some of the best cinematography, score and editing of any Oscar nominated film this decade, and Aunjanue Ellis-Taylor deserved a ing actress nod. But the Academy is notably white and has random taste so kudos for the Best Picture/Adaptation nominations. Glad to have finally been in the headspace and had the alone time to watch this and fully absorb it. A true masterpiece and future classic.

The audience outside our apartment got a little rowdy during the pigeon scene (understandably).

Val Kilmer forever 😢

A couple years ago I pranked my partner by hyping this up all day as ‘one of the most notoriously fucked up endings of any slasher’, they were not impressed with the reveal—haha, April fools! Well, knowing that they have the memory of a goldfish, I successfully pulled off the same prank again this year…“oh goddamnit it’s that fucking movie again?!”—April Fools!!!!!

Back when a movie poster depicting Alec Baldwin pointing a gun at your face wasn’t in bad taste. An absolutely rancid and inept Peckinpah remake. The uncomfortable chemistry between Basinger and Baldwin is unsurprising but is even harder to watch than their creepy sex scenes (is it a 90s thriller if Baldwin’s hairy butt doesn’t flash on screen?). A real waste of a great Jennifer Tilly performance.

Under Siege 2 doubles down on its Die Hard affinity by misguidedly attempting to replicate Die Hard 2 this time around, swapping out the plane for a train. There’s no big name baddie (unless you retroactively count Katherine Heigl), and the extreme gore has been neutered significantly. Worst of all, Seagal is forced to carry this in ways he didn’t have to the first time around without the benefit of Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey and the other loud characters distracting us from how uncomfortable/inept Seagal’s screen presence is—oof.

The balance of rimshot one liners and horrendous gore in this by-the-book Die Hard ripoff is masterful. Tommy Lee Jones further elevates this to a “much better than this has any right to be” 3.5 stars.

Watched on Wednesday February 26, 2025.

Watched on Monday February 24, 2025.