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Jesse Armstrong does that thing he does. Again.

Appears to have been made by somebody who has completely misinterpreted the tone of the original. The nihilism of the first film has been replaced with.. fart/boner jokes and sub-Tarantino pop culture riffing, for some reason.

Why is there a puppet in it? Why was the puppet apparently made by an eight-year old? Why is the script so painfully unfunny? Why is there what appears to be a completely earnest scene in the middle where two characters discuss their feelings with each other? Why is there SO MUCH TALKING?

The OG Street Trash might be an acquired taste, but there's no reason for this to even exist.

extremely pertinent to my interests

Would anyone this if it wasn't for that scene? I doubt it, somehow.

The deserted island atmosphere gives it a spooky Who Can Kill a Child vibe, but that's not enough to distract you from the fact that 70% of this film is very, very boring.

Watched this on blu ray in glorious hi-def, so that foetus looked especially juicy and succulent.

Watched on Sunday May 25, 2025.

I'm not a big Jack Black fan. Which is unfortunate, because this might be the most 'Jack Black' of all the films Jack Black has been in.

That said, it did make me genuinely laugh a couple of times. That's probably the nicest thing I can say about it: it wasn't quite as shit as I was expecting it to be.

God help you if you don't have even a ing knowledge of Minecraft and it's mechanics though. This must be like having a Nintendo-flavoured stroke for unsuspecting parents watching this with their kids.

Watched on Wednesday May 21, 2025.

hate it when one of my fingernails comes off for no discernible reason

Watched on Saturday May 17, 2025.

Beautiful (but spiritually ugly) people get exactly what they deserve. You'd think this would be cathartic and satisfying (and it is, a bit), but it's really just tragic. Kids can be very cruel.

Watched on Wednesday May 14, 2025.

you get to see a bit of nancy allen's boob in this, 9/10

Featuring the only constructive conversation anyone ever had on Usenet.

Watched on Sunday May 11, 2025.

watch this with headphones to become intimately familiar with the sound of ralph fiennes' nose-breathing

Like being held hostage by Brian Butterfield.

"Look son, listen. Either me or take over the cr.. syndicate when I become.. dead, or shot.. but nobody comes after me."

Absolute shit, obviously. Everyone rushes and stumbles their lines and ends up sounding like Steve Brule, at least three scenes are missing sound entirely, and the antagonist has a hilarious Mr. Whippy wig on. It's no Neil Breen picture, but it'll do.

they weren't that freaky

Don't think I fully 'got' this, to be honest. But I did like the scene where Edward Woodward stares wordlessly at a doorknob for, like, three solid minutes.

that kill montage set to ac/dc is one of the greatest things ever committed to celluloid

I'm not sure that going face-first into the car wash brushes would actually kill you. I think you'd just get a very clean face.

Terrible CGI, but some of the kills are impressively gruesome for a 15 cert. Definitely the worst of the bunch, but I've still sat through it, like, three or four times? It is what it is.

mmm adrienne barbeau

Lovely stuff. Like a live-action Looney Tunes cartoon, but French and full of suicidal ideations, murder and cannibalism.

"I am the big potatoes"

Very silly. Statham wastes at least $10,000 on meth that he then either throws in a river or flushes down the toilet.

The State of Statham - Ranked

I dunno if it's because I've been watching a lot of Final Destination movies this week, but some of the kills in this just didn't fully blow my skirt up. Which is a shame, because I dug quite a lot of other things about this - like stylistically, I loved it. The monkey itself is a terrific item, full of heft and malice. If only all the kills could have lived up to Aunt Ida or the guy who got a face full of hornets, I'd have been a happy camper.

some really great head trauma in this one

Might like this one more than the original? Less po-faced, more leaning into the elaborate Rube Goldberg death machines. Was surprised at how many of the kills were indelibly imprinted in my mind, even though I haven't seen this in years - 'ok, next is the kid getting pancaked by the sheet of glass, then it's..'

i'm sorry liam neeson, but your ex-wife is kinda a bitch

You really thought we were gonna titty-fuck them over Greenland?

must have seen this upwards of ten times, and it's still funny when the boom box falls out of the overhead locker and beans that dude in the back of the head

What happens if I take a dump? Will it go back up my arse?

Junta Yamaguchi, you keep making whimsical time-travel movies, I'll keep giving them 9/10. Mikoto is adorable.

Wanted to like this, but it lost me during the dinner scene and never really won me back. Everything goes on for too long, none of the jokes really land, and the whole thing ends up being quite irritating. A pity.

Watched on Friday April 18, 2025.

Forget the British empire, we as a nation need to focus on our true crowning achievement: producing crime dramas that make you feel like absolute shit when you finish watching them

That's a lot of effort to go to for a girl with a mullet.

'They just shot him with a machine gun.'

'Is he dead?'

'Wouldn't you be, Lieutenant?'

A perfect case study demonstrating that no matter how serious the situation, there's always room for a bit of sarcasm.

Big Wishmaster energy from this, but with a nice little undercurrent of Clive Barker horniness. Fun!

There's a lady gangster in this who gets kicked really hard in the snatch before getting shot like ten times, which just feels like adding insult to injury.

I liked the bit where Jackie Chan mocked a disabled man's speech impediment, then set him on fire.

The first and last 15 minutes of this movie contain some of the sickest stunts ever committed to celluloid. The problem is that there's about an hour between those two set pieces that I just don't care for. Less comedy, more kicking people through glass cabinets.

Watched on Saturday April 5, 2025.

Is this the first recorded instance of the Statham 'accent'? At least he only re to do it about 25% of the time.

Concentrated 00's energy, wrapped up in a silly, sun-drenched package with just a little sprinkle of Luc Besson magic. Objectively trash, but I kinda love it - that fight with the oil and the bike pedals is worth the price of ission on its own.

The State of Statham - Ranked

featuring jason statham as 'man in hat'

The State of Statham - Ranked

Surprisingly good, given the obvious budget constraints. Felt a bit like a Halloween special of a kid's TV show, like Byker Grove or something - I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or a criticism. Fun!

Watched on Sunday March 30, 2025.

Knew what was up as soon as they lingered slightly too long on that shot of the corkscrew.

Ehh. The first 45 minutes of this are basically a tedious soap opera about a woman having an affair. Picks up a bit after that, but it never reaches the goopy lunacy of something like The Boxers Omen. I was mainly bored until the last ten minutes or so, if I'm honest.

Needs more Maniac Cop. The only good parts are the on-fire car chase at the end, and some dude getting repeatedly defibrillated in the face. A disappointing conclusion to my Maniac Cop journey.

Pretty great. Feels like there's a lot more downtime compared to the first, but goddamn, the peaks are worth it when they eventually come along. The runaway car sequence, storming the police station, his final revenge at the prison.. yeah, that's the stuff.

Big fan of how they point-blank refuse to explain anything about Matt Cordell. Why is he invincible? Why does he make friends with a serial killer? Who cares! Shut up and watch him throw some dude twenty feet through a wall.

ACAB except my best friend Tom Atkins.

Sleazy and mean-spirited. Not a criticism.

He's everybody's favourite slapheaded cinema star. But is he any good?

• Snatch
• The Transporter
• Cellular
• A Working Man
• The Meg
• 13

I made a regrettable vow to watch all of the Children of the Corn movies, for some reason. You should not do this.

• Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest
• Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice
• Children of the Corn
• Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror
• Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering
• Children of the Corn: Runaway
• Children of the Corn: Revelation
• Children of the Corn: Genesis
• Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return