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saw someone i know on the subway after and i was like “yeah i just saw friendship. with a group of people! they took different trains home. they all live on the r but i live on the m. they’re thinking of breaking their lease and moving in with me though.”

i guess i like that garlic worked. too often you’re watching one of these things and the vampire is like “garlic? heh, nice try princess, that only works in the movies,” and i’m like, ahhh this is a fucking movie!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!

I'd say we've lost this kind of movie, but we were barely supposed to see it in the first place. This is the bonding ritual of a weirdo, local arts scene. Everyone here is someone's hot roommate. Someone's aunt has a two-story farmhouse upstate, let's go up there and film some deranged fuckshit where we all go full frontal in the snow. Maybe banal to acknowledge, but: it doesn't work like this anymore. Now everyone in Brooklyn has an aunt with property upstate, but they're all trying to hide it from eachother.

ME: *texting gf a picture of a gunmetal ring with an amethyst gemstone* babe should i buy this

GIRLFRIEND: no

GIRLFRIEND: have you been watching ricky jay and his 52 assistants again

ME: no

ME: *texting gf a zippo lighter embroidered with an illustration of springheel jack* babe should i buy this

love that netflix pulled out of this one early. Ted Sarandos has prob only seen the Fly. they thought they’d be getting a halfway senile, autopilot cronenberg spitballing like “uhhhh this one’s about a guy who graws BALLS on his DICK.” they didn’t know they’d be getting post eastern promises inscrutable dave, the guy who made the 50% of videodrome you forgot about where it’s just corporate espionage re: an eyeglasses manufacturer

Wish this level of camaraderie existed at any of the service industry jobs I worked in my twenties. Made me think about the one time my old coworker jose told me anytime an NBA player hits a three pointer and then holds up a three fingers, that’s a satanic symbol. he was actually a super nice guy so I felt bad telling him no jose that means “three”

what I ire about final destination is to be the protagonist in one of these, you have to be a fraidy cat. you have to, by function of the plot, be a fucking chicken who’s like “GET ME OFF THIS AIRPLANE” or “GET ME OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER,” etc. anyone with Bernie Mac “i ain’t scared of you” mindset, god rest his soul, doesn’t make it ten minutes into these. hollywood too often flatters the bold, we need more movies centering the bitchmade, pussies who can’t be outside during a lightning storm.

Watched on Saturday April 5, 2025.

Every male extra in this was fucking killing me. They took the village idiot from every other western and filled a frontier town with them. They all have the dutchboy haircut and the dirty long johns with the ass flap. Just the thought of these guys working all week to spend fifteen seconds with a prostitute, like weeeelp! Long friday at the glue mill, time I should deposit, then withdraw me a nickel from the wells fargo and make my way to the saloon, two pump chump me one of them fine nightingales! *adjusts wedgie and in the process accidentally shoots own penis in half* yeeoooch!

Watched on Sunday March 23, 2025.

Watched on Sunday March 23, 2025.

Watched on an Amtrak on my phone because that’s all James Bond deserves. Sorry David! If it’s any consolation I was holding it very close to my face so it was LIKE a movie theater. Anyway the older Roger Moore gets in these, the meaner the jokes about Moneypenny being a femcel feel. The kinda plain secretary makes the reasonable assumption she has a shot with the 55 year old and the movie is like UGH can you believe this fugly broad?? Yes, yes I can. I get that these movies are wish fulfillment, I get that Roger Moore is Lizzo for other 55 year olds with golfer physiques, but IRL those guys would be lucky to land a Moneypenny. God I can’t believe the British have so much national pride tied up in a movie series that, at it’s BEST, caps out at a B-.

Well thanks so much Senator Bulworth. Keep on rockin in the free world aaaand doot doota loot doo…?

It was 2025 the last time I checked, not the Paleolithic Era, and still, STILL, the Pluto TV app on XBOX Series X doesn’t show you how much time is left in the ad you’re watching. Inexcusable. You know Tubi just landed a Super Bowl commercial? You, as an app, cannot be pulling this kind of unserious conduct any more.

We need to stop centering Jet Li’s shortness in so many of our conversations about him. Sure, he’s 5’6”, but so is the Bear’s Jeremy Allen White, and he can’t do any of this fucking shit here!!!!!!

marx brothers movies should just go by porno rules where the character names are the actor’s names. so disorienting every time i watch one of these to see someone walk up to harpo and be like “hey jeff.”

Saw the 4DX experience at Regal, where they pump Gerard Butler’s musk into the theater. It’s a brown fog that hangs low to the ground.

If you’re talking the all-time great pieces of anti-Philadelphia art? You’re talking that one Bill Burr set. You’re talking Eraserhead. You’re talking Jayson Tatum’s 51 point performance against the Philadelphia 76ers in game seven of the 2023 Eastern Conference Semifinals.

Gregg Araki does every interview in a t-shirt and even now, in his sixties, you gotta hand it to the guy: his biceps are popping. If you could sort the Criterion Closet videos by BMI he'd probably rank the lowest of any non-actor, and moreover what are you doing watching the actor Criterion Closet videos anyway? Oh wow, Dave Franco likes Tampopo, alert the fucking New York Times!

It’s definitely a very big coffee table book that weighs a lot. Director must have 1992 Denzel charisma to have convinced seven producers and however many financiers that, yes, this is how our generational choke job of a third act needs to kick off.

Bram Stoker's 1897 novel has long been alleged to be antisemitic. We unfortunately cannot confirm or deny that here, given Nosferatu’s cock is on screen for but a mere split second.

PAUL RUDD: *walking into lounge* the five timers club! it’s real!

STEVE MARTIN: *enters wearing “5” jacket, massive applause* welcome!

TOM HANKS: *enters wearing “5” jacket, massive applause* well, look who decided to show up!

CHEVY CHASE: *enters wearing “5” jacket, massive applause* fuck your mother you fucking cocksucker. how about you touch anything in here i kick your head off throw the rest of you out back for the dogs to feast on, fucking jackass

Every couple years I try to wrap my brain around the enigma of Chevy Chase. Did his sneering contempt for humanity leap out to audiences in 1978 as much as it does now? You have to figure “yes,” otherwise there isn’t really a hook there! He’s a speciality leading man. His presentation isn’t what you would call postmodern, but his merely able good looks (which went fast) and “squint til you see charisma” kinda smugness really places his ascension into the feel-bad seventies, for my understanding. His role in this was originally written for Harrison Ford, and that’s funny, right? Cause you got a few of Chevy’s trademark, low-octane pratfalls here, which means they had to give the screenwriter notes like “Chevy’s demanding a scene where he spills a drink.”

This could get as many no eye guys into the gym as Dragonball Z. We just have to start the movement.

Watched on Wednesday December 18, 2024.

Foundational building block for grunge, merely in of how many gen xers it must have made cynical. You talk to any of the Sub Pop guys of their era? KISS was their favorite band when they were kids, across the board. One pictures a pubescent Steve Albini (rip) tuning into this and his soul callouon discovering everyone in KISS talks like Larry David, four guys who drive a bus at LaGuardia.

not fond of this gizmo creature. i feel if i were gizmo, i’d look at the green evil gremlins and think “there but for the grace of god go i.” i certainly wouldn’t roll over, the humans, and by all intents and purposes become the elia kazan of gremlins.

I’m gonna be the first guy who goes behind the Winkie’s dumpster and actually LISTENS

This was directed by Aussies in their fifties! Wow! I shouldn’t be surprised they were gen Xers given their preoccupations (Anton LaVey, “there’s this place called Bohemian Grove where…” etc. etc.) but the “haunted media” thing is so zillennial. Somewhere the zillennial Stephen King is writing a short story about an evil N64 cartridge someone bought at a yard sale labelled “PIKACHU.SHIT”

British people pronouncing the “t” in “valet” makes zero sense to me. What is the etymology of that word that we just decided on the Mayflower it was French?

You know how there used to be schools that trained regional Bozo the Clowns? I always thought it’d be funny if they had schools that trained regional Ricky Gervais’. Like if there were schools in Ann Arbor and Spokane that taught you how to wear little shirts and deny god. And they also trained regional Karl Pilkingtons, and sometimes you have to do a group project where the Karl Pilkinton says something and you have to be like ohoihoihoihoihoi!!!!

So emotionally similar to Megalopolis it made me simultaneously appreciate Megalopolis a little bit less and a little bit more. I’m not trying to show you up if you were buying the dip on Megalopolis this year, but it must be said: hit shuffle on Tubi and whatever it spits out at you will very often feel like Megalopolis, but shot for $15,000 by christians from New Jersey.

Eighty minutes but feels like a double album with zero good hooks. He's trying so hard to lay his own Fat Bastard on wax here, there are like forty fun-sized bits like the Turtle Club Guy and it's all just whiff, whiff, whiff, edited for BIG laughs in a way that leaves poor Dana out to dry, holding the length of a "bruh" after every joke. Bombing with "character comedy" is an extra layer of shameful because if you're a stand-up, you can always pretend you don't care. If you're doing a "character," it's like, of course you care, you bought that wig. Your wig, glasses, and accent imply an eagerness to please that makes the audience feel guilty for not laughing, which, in turn, only makes them not laugh more! If you feel even just blandly nostalgic towards Dana, this one's layer six on The Most Disturbing Movies Iceberg. Self inflicted comedic snuff film.

the UK has such a rich history of sketch comedy, it just makes it more unforgivable how f minus, junk tier awful their stand-up is. these are people who take pride in stretching a five minute anecdote out over one hour and calling it a “show,” jesus christ! ask the people in the front row if they’re dating! talk about how chipotle gives you diarrhea! entertain, for once in your life!!

Not going to get offended on behalf of my LGBT friends, as theirs is a community I do not belong to. Instead I’ll just speak to my own experience and say this in no way resembles the telenovelas I used to ver con mi abuela.

Big smile when I fired this up and it said "filmed at WGBH Boston." I'm prone to rooting for any New England regional institution like it's a sports team, and if we're just counting rings, WGBH are the Brady/Belichick-era Patriots of public broadcasting. Antiques Roadshow? Nova? Frontline, This Old House, Masterpiece Theater?? All produced in-house at WGBH. That's 16-0, that's a dynasty. That is a public television averaging a triple-double.

Found the protagoniste’s (french word, not doing a “comedienne” kind of thing) PC rig a bit lacking. Two monitors is my travel setup? My office rig consists of a Corsair Vengeance i7400, outfitted with a GeForce RTX 4090 graphics card and five Ultrasharp OLED monitors, arranged pentagonally and portraying the following:

Monitor One: Primary use monitor. Google, Something Awful, etc.
Monitor Two: Amazon Ring feed
Monitor Three: Seeso (still operational in Denmark I have a VPN)
Monitor Four: Pornography I don’t look at as part of a disciplinary exercise
Monitor Five: Have to crane my neck for this one so I don’t use it often. Currently the 2012 NYT election needle.

Watched on Saturday November 9, 2024.

Watched on Thursday October 31, 2024.

saw anora and then michael imperioli on the train, perfect afternoon baby!! yes!!! if you don’t live in new york you should probably just **this post has been flagged for review**

In a 2021 retrospective review for the New York Times, J. Hoberman writes “it’s hard to ignore the flip phones.” Jesus fucking Christ, man. You write for the newspaper, how much is that dirtsheet paying you? Did an editor even read this, or had she used up all her free articles for the month?? Asshole?? Anyway when Gina Gershon showed up in this I instinctively started doing pushups.

Would put this in the Hausu canon of “Films to Humble Young Artists.” It will reaffirm for you that no idea is new or interesting, and that you are not the first artist with a bird’s eye view of time & space. There’s probably a 1933 romcom called “Girl Dinner” where Cary Grant predicts Astroworld.

lil brain slug guy talked like artie kendall the ghost crooner from late night with conan o’ brien 😃

can be entertaining. funny to transplant this one’s values onto the Godfather. i always figured organized crime in that movie was a stand-in for the American Dream, but i guess over the past five decades Francis came to love that stuff and thinks Michael Corleone just should have built the Oculus Building instead. my favorite part was when my friend went to the bathroom and when she came back i whispered “Wow Platinum got married to Herman Crassus” and she whispered back “who” and i whispered back “nevermind. excuse me. nevermind.”

LOT of nameless chumps getting got in this one. a guy gets wishboned in half ass-to-head at one point, and it happens so blasé/fast they actually make it look like a halfway decent way to die, e.g. “wow if I’m ever falsely convicted of murder in the state of texas, i hope they do the humane thing and wishbone me in half ass-to-head.”

Watched on Sunday October 13, 2024.

*on phone with customer service* hello i’m having trouble with my sex robot? i spilled coffee on her and now she’s Philadelphian. the “change accent” option in settings is greyed out and before you ask YES i’ve already tried syncing her to itunes. this is my fourth call this week about this and i’m sorry if i sound irritable but i’d REALLY just like to be sent a replacement. what do you mean i’ve “voided the warranty?” you LITERALLY these things as waterproof. i have the amazon listing open in another tab: “Daphne from Frasier 8’4” Sex Robot Waterproof,” it’s LITERALLY in the title.

Was trying to nail down what Mike Schank talks like and I figured out it’s one of those podcasts that are designed to help you go to sleep.

Groucho no disrespect you’re a legend but if you ever tried to talk to me that way I’d empty a full magazine into you

I’m already a New York ten, Los Angeles nine so were I to procure the Substance I’d probably just use it for its egg doubling capabilities. Your average american spends $66.72 (source: Yahoo Finance) a year on eggs. You could have Margaret Qualley’s ass, Tom Hardy’s traps, and Michael Fassbender’s cock, it’s all moot if you’re not shaving an annual $33.36 off your egg expenditure.