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Ethan please…do ChatGPT next

This feels like an over-the-top parody of early 2000s action movies in the best way possible. All the flaws feel less like flaws, and more like they’re actively mocking the flaws of movies of the era. The editing is insane, the camerawork zooms all over the goddamn place, every aspect of this movie feels like it’s on cocaine which is both entertaining as hell and thematically relevant. It’s pure adrenaline that borders into cartoon wackiness. Jason Statham’s performance edges into the insanity you’d expect more from a Nicolas Cage outburst. He steals a police motorcycle at gunpoint while fully erect. It’s pure cinema.

I don’t know if it’s so bad it’s good, or it’s just bad, or it’s just good. There are times where it’s straight up feels like a student film. Most scenes feel like they were done in one take as quickly as possible, It both adds to the urgency while simultaneously being funny as hell.

It’s also kind of racist sometimes, but it mostly feels like it’s mocking the ive bigotry you’d occasionally see in movies in the early 2000s. I truly have no idea whether or not this is effective satire, or garbage that stumbled into being amazing. Once it grabbed my attention, it did not let go until the credits rolled. It’s not afraid of being completely absurd, and that’s something you don’t really see much anymore.

Also Chester Bennington and Glenn Howerton just randomly pop up in one scene, shit gave me whiplash.

It’s enjoyable, but the kind of movie you skip watching in theaters to watch it on streaming while you eat dinner and exhale out of your nose a few times.

The movie takes place near Christmas but literally every single shot looks like it takes place in the middle of summer. I’m sure it’s just a California thing or whatever, but it was hella distracting lmao

But, shoving broken glass into your fists so you could hit people harder is SO badass, solid video game shit. Definitely gnarlier and gorier than your standard action movie, and that’s always a treat.
It’s fun and I enjoyed it, but it would probably benefit from 10 minutes being shaved off the runtime

This movie’s tone is so fucking bizarre

I fuck with the vision, I feel like this movie should be right up my alley but it just didn’t click with me /: Regardless however, I will always appreciate a bold swing

I was mostly expecting a shameless cashgrab, but this was awesome dude!! It looked the best (both cinematically & it’s CGI) plus it’s the funniest & most charming in the series by far. Kills were fun as hell too!

There were lore implications that were actually cool & explain a lot of stuff in the previous movies. I expected just standard more-of-the-same, but this actually justified its existence AND played with the formula in ways that were fun and fresh. As Americans get more desensitized to mass death, it’s inclusion felt like an inevitable next step. Plus as someone with a deadly peanut allergy, the representation was nice lmao

I love this franchise & this was a damn near perfect modern installation. I am biased, but this ruled imo
RIP Tony Todd

The vibe is immaculate, the world is interesting, and every shot is composed beautifully. I hope in the future Osgood Perkins makes a return to more fantasy-based mystical plots, I feel like his style is made for it.

It’s nothing insane obviously, but idk why so many reviews are negative?? I know fairytales aren’t everyone’s jam, but I think if this was a post-Longlegs release: it would’ve been received better.

This movie’s tone was unique, it didn’t always work for me, but I really appreciate what it was going for!

The editing was great & Willem Dafoe was top-tier

I’m glad I’m not an outdoorsy person

That’s what they get for being a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan

I was fine with all the killing & dismemberment, but the moment they said the F-slur…I started to think that these cannibals might not be that nice /:

Despite being a pretty middle-of-the-road slasher, the dolly THOUGH SOMEONES HEAD is a all-time horror movie shot. They were cooking with that one.

The plot is literally that one 9/11 documentary but with demon zombies instead of airplanes, and I’m not even joking lmao

It’s genuinely great to watch a found footage horror movie that actually looks, sounds, and feels like found footage - The camera quality, interlacing, & high ISO is authentically amateur, the loud sounds blow tf out of the internal mic, the performances feel genuine. There are moments of cheese obviously, its a 2007 horror movie after all, it’s not perfect but it’s super top-shelf found footage that gets scarier the more you watch it.

It has the same spirit as 28 days later, only with a on-the-ground news reporter edge & the fact that “the cameraman” is literally just the director of photography playing himself, so cool man.

Not many movies have the guts to be a slow-burn AND have nearly a full minute of a burping competition

Although a lot of the reviews are leaning towards negative, this worked for me. Misery meets the unreasonable fears of a child. Slower than it needed to be, but idk man, I got the vision

This Wayfair ad takes a weird turn man

What a trip man, I love it when a piece of art goes completely over my head but still leaves a lasting impression

Take a shot every time they say “the entity” and you WILL die

Literally every aspect of this is 3X better than it has any right being. The cast, the colorful visuals, the lighting was so good, and mf EXCISION ON THE SOUNDTRACK?

About halfway though I found myself going “oh shit…I’m actually invested in this” - I had zero interest in a transformers backstory movie, but I’m really glad I gave this a shot. Genuinely laughed out loud a few times.

Keegan Michael key calls someone A-A-Tron - and I mean come on, that’s such a fun reference lmao

God this shit was SO cool, I wish sinning was real

Guy with an AI girlfriend turns out to be a shitty loser??? Who would’ve guessed!

This movie is a good time, every turn it took was enjoyable, & Sophie killed it!

Oh I get it! He’s like a cop that’s a robot!
Now the name makes sense

Watched on Thursday April 17, 2025.

Although maybe not as solid as the original trilogy, the absolute gauntlet of top-tier pain inflicted on Ehren‘s balls in this movie is EASILY one of the best jackass bits they’ve ever done.

Bam’s absence is definitely felt however. The complete cutting around his existence almost definitely means that a better, more natural version of this movie existed at one point.

Still however, so many solid bits, and some of the hardest hits. Way more inventive than I think they get credit for!

My favorite bit is when they just obviously needed an excuse to hit Bam with a hammer

There’s a comfortable form of detachment you can settle into when watching someone go through something traumatic in a movie. They’re them, and you’re you. Not only is it just a movie, but you’re not reflected in it. Empathetic, but ultimately disconnected - But to see someone handling something tragic, and knowing you’d be struggling in the exact same way, feels WAY too close for comfort.

The anger, the frustration, the feeling of hopelessness, all unbearably palpable.

There’s like, a billion reasons why this is such a great film, but to me, that’s what hit the hardest. The hope, the adjusting, all of it fantastic. But it was the lows that felt all too real in a way I haven’t seen expressed before.

What is lost in the rough-around-the-edges DIY aspects of the show & first 2 movie installments, it makes up for in it’s over the top bombastic ideas that can only be achieved with a higher budget. This is Jackass firing on all cylinders. Everyone seems like they’re having so much fun. SO many perfect bits & little moments. And the end credits have a lot of authentic heart that really puts a perfect bow on an already fantastic movie.

The fact that I watched this debut in theaters with 3D glasses is the 2010 equivalent of being at the unveiling of the Sistine chapel (only with more dicks)

The fact that she was doing all that revenging while barefoot straight up makes her 3X as badass

Filming must’ve HURT dude 😭

There’s something I find legitimately fascinating about half baked ideas & cut content

The bed of nails bit was gold, the fear was palpable lmao

This gay porn has some cool pranks in it

Citizen Kane if it were good

This might just be the bluest movie I’ve ever seen

The action & violence are actually so cool and entertaining. It does not hold back, it was honestly impressive how gruesome this one gets. It’s got that special breed of mid-2000’s CGI where it’s bombastic as hell, able quality, but still kind of jank lol

The pacing of the first movie was shitty and was way longer than it needed to be, but this one is pretty much an objective improvement in just about every single way.
No idea why the reviews are slightly less favorable than the first. People are stupid, this was cool and fun! Even if it’s still pretty mindless, I feel like they found their footing with this one (:

That being said, Michael is annoying and his character is a dumbass. Idk if the character sucks, or if the actor is just not good, but any scene where he has to talk a lot is a slog to sit though. 

But If you’re interested in a bloody fantasy vampire action movie, this is recommended!

It’s like Vampire: The Masquerade, only if it was hollow and kind of boring?

That being said, sometimes it does manage to capture the same charm as the bloodlines game. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, when it gets it right: It’s really cool!

Overall though, it balances out to just being ok.  
There’s a sound effect they use VERY frequently that’s also in Happy Wheels, and it kinda cheapens the whole movie every time it happens (which is like, every 8 minutes lol)

Michael bay movies have an undeniable swag to them, his insane over-the-top explosions make it impossible to have a bad time. Gigantic alien robots are pretty impossible to hate tbh. Even if, on paper, it lacks “substance” it easily makes up for with pure “HELL HEAH” factor. At the end of the day, movies are entertainment - and this was entertaining!

Also wtf this movie is funny?? I assumed the humor would age like milk, but like 90% of it was still pretty good! Bernie Mac as the car salesman was genuinely hilarious.

That being said, this movie is 45 minutes longer than it should be, and sometimes a little too stupid and vapid? It drags down the fun enough to the point where you start to glaze over at times. The soundtrack also straight up just ripped off the terminator theme. It’s literally the exact same lmao - Still fun tho!

End credits Linkin Park is genuinely 5/5 stars, every movie should end like that

This film asks the age-old question…if Batman was a cop, would ACAB still apply to him even if he had a really cool gun?
(The answer is yes, but it’s also entertaining as hell)

On paper, I feel like this movie should be bad or stupid. But it’s actually awesome?? It’s like The Raid, but cyberpunk and includes skinning people alive, mind-reading powers, and slow-motion drugs. It’s hard to have a bad time watching it tbh

Also I love Karl Urban, but it looks like he’s trying his best to do the grumpy-cat frown the whole movie lmao

-watching the Poo Cocktail Supreme bit from Jackass-

Kyle: “Damn…if only we could make this romantic…“

The world building fucking rules and I’m bummed I don’t see it getting enough praise

Nearly every jumpscare was like a fucking defibrillator. The kind of scares where there’s a good 0.5 seconds where you’re pissed off…only to immediately be like “damn, that got me lol”

First half is 4/5 - Second half is 2.5/5
It bites off more than it can chew, but the setup was phenomenal & unsettling. There were moments that had me fighting back the urge to watch it through my fingers. Good shit, solid October date night movie!

It’s not as bad as people make it out to be…but like, it isn’t particularly good either lol

Really wish it embraced it’s status as a “prequel” more than it’s interested in telling the exact same story again, but looking shittier now. Which sucks because some of the stuff they do is cool sometimes! Ultimately it’s a forgettable fumble, but it’s not terrible, just kinda bad. It’s squandered potential is more frustrating than anything.

Wow, the “Dunkaccino” guy is actually pretty good at acting

This one is stupid, but in a fun “riding a CGI shark” kind of way

Also Korn during the credits. Hell yeah.

Unfortunately, I think eat the rich includes Lara Croft.

This movie is not very good, but there are glimpses where it’s genuinely amazing. Watching Angelina Jolie fly through the air on a sideways motorcycle while shooting an Uzi in slow motion is objectively awesome. And watching her fight a giant stone statue with multiple arms wielding swords and a head with multiple faces like some kind of Fromsoftware boss?? That goes hard.

That being said, this movie still kind of sucks lol - and I know it’s a silly nitpick but there wasn’t like…a single trap in this movie? Tombs should have traps?? Not a single spike wall or anything??? Come on now.

It’s slightly more “power rangers-y” than I expected. I really enjoyed this movie when I was 12, but I think that’s the max level of maturity you can have while still enjoying it. (Unless if you’re drunk, THEN it probably rules)

If a hot vampire woman invited me to a blood rave
I, for one, would be grateful

So over-the-top cool it’s both insanely badass and completely ridiculous simultaneously

The way Wesley Snipes beats people up is insanely brutal AND hilarious. It’s the kind of aggression you only see in cartoons. It rules man

How is an 1.5 hour long movie mostly nothing? There is like 45 minutes of walking & nervously looking around that doesn’t build tension or anything, it’s just straight nothing.

The guy that played Crank did a great job. The mutants actually felt extremely strong, and a LOT of movies usually fuck that up when it comes to wire-work. Genuinely S-tier in that regard, it’s so out of place in a move that just…isn’t good lol

There are moments where it shows promise, but they are VERY brief. There were like two good kills in the first quarter, and after that I think they ran out of money because nothing else even comes close. It’s not terrible, but not worth anyone’s time either. It relies pretty much entirely on gore, disgust, and shock value…while not even being particularly good at it? So like, from every angle, this movie is pretty much pointless (unless you’re taking a wire-work class lol)

God this rules

This movie has like 38 climaxes in it, every 10 minutes there’s a new death-defying thing they barely make it out of, idk how something so packed to the brim is cohesive (let alone super good) but this does it somehow!

Simon Pegg? Hell yeah
Brad Bird? Hell yeah
Palms? Consistently sweaty
All the different set pieces around the world, beating up bad guys, cracking an occasional one-liner, felt like the original spirit of the OG Indiana Jones trilogy. That’s a rare mood to successfully pull off, but they somehow succeeded!!

I like this “Jeremy Renner” guy in this movie. I hope he gets his own app one of these days

Neighbors Kid: The Movie

The first two minutes of this movie is literally stronger than the entirety of the previous movie

It’s fucking rules, it’s cool, it’s badass, it’s fascinating, and it’s funny sometimes?? Also this movie has the most guys-being-hurled-though-glass-windows per minute, and that’s just a bonus.

Just grounded enough in reality that it doesn’t break immersion, but just cartoony enough that it has fun whimsy to it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman starting the movie by saying “We’ve put an explosive charge in your head.” is so chillingly fucked up and saw-esque, it’s awesome. There are horror movies with less fucked up cold opens, and yet this one does it unapologetically. Great villain, especially in comparison to the previous villain who could be summed up as “a guy”

The only thing I’m not terribly fond of is JJ Abrams typically tends to use slightly more telephoto lenses for a lot of shots that don’t usually lend themselves to good close-quarters action scenes. It’s slightly distracting sometimes. There were a few times where I assumed two characters were speaking on the other side of a room, but they were actually just like…2 feet apart. But you know a movie is good if my only real nitpick is occasional lens choice lol

It ain’t pure high-class cinema - but it’s fun as hell and I had a good time (:

Bro the first movie had me hooked the whole time, this was lame as hell lmao

The main villain has the personality of a room-temperature glass of water. I swear like 15 minutes of this movies runtime is dedicated to slow motion that isn’t cool & serves no point (this sounds like an insult, but I’m not even kidding)

If this movie didn’t have a recognizable IP name attached to it, I’m pretty sure it would’ve been completely forgotten instantaneously. This felt like the writers first time writing anything particularly action/espionage oriented. So I checked, and it literally was!

It takes over half the movie’s runtime to get to the actual interesting spy stuff. Why? Why would you do that? Did they forget what movie this is?

I appreciate the sentiment of trying to add some “sexiness” back into the espionage-thriller genre but I didn’t gaf about any of that lmao, they got ZERO chemistry dude, it’s insane. I’ve seen more sexual tension watching paint dry.

All the stuff on motorcycles was cool as hell, but that’s where all the interesting things begin and end. One of the only legitimately nerve-racking scenes was when a knife was being held extremely close to Tom Cruise‘s eye (which was done practically) …but the knifes placement constantly jumps distances in between cuts, shattering any tension that was just established. It was like watching someone catch a ball only to immediately drop it because they got to excited.

As much as I want to give it the benefit of the doubt, a few cool moments and ideas get drowned out by writers not knowing what the fuck they were doing. John Woo deserved a better script.

I ain’t gonna lie, I went into this with some slight cynicism. I watched this on TV when I was a kid, not really ing much. But watching it as an adult? This RULES dude.

Tom Cruise doing a magic trick to confuse a traitor was the most childish, rude thing I’ve ever seen in my life and it was certified chad behavior. And he was BLUFFING?? Cinema.

So many iconic moments that, even now, still feel badass and had me on the edge of my seat.
Granted, I am easily impressed by anything spy-related, but this got me man. Hell yeah.

This movie is corny as hell but also radiates bad bitch energy? It objectively sucks, but it also has undeniable swag

The kind of movie that 12 year old me would’ve described as “the coolest thing I’ve ever seen” 

At one point a man gets into a car accident because he gets distracted looking at a stripper zombie’s boobs. That scene alone is a perfect encapsulation of the movie itself, both positive and negative lol

It starts out campy (in a good way) and ends very campy (in a bad way) - it devolves into essentially a superhero movie? And any charm it had just gets sucked out of it completely :( I wanted to like it, but the more I watched, the harder that became. Probably awesome if you’re drunk enough though!

I somehow have remained completely in the dark about this movie my entire life, and I always just assumed it was bad. But honestly…You could tell there was some love put into this. It was surprisingly fun! Movie adaptations of video games are commonly doomed to fail from the beginning, usually being relegated to mediocrity at best. This is still the case, but it’s definitely one of the better ones!

Laser scene? Peak 2002 badass
Holographic evil child? Stupid as hell
Michelle Rodriguez? Hell yeah
Slipknot end credit sequence? HELL YEAH

The intro to this movie describes Umbrella as
“the largest commercial entity in the United States, nine out of every 10 homes contain its products, It’s political and financial influence is felt everywhere. But the majority of their profits, unbeknownst to the public & even their employees, come from military technology, genetic experimentation, & viral weaponry” and hearing that monologue while watching on Amazon Prime(TM) made for a surprisingly chilling introduction.

I don’t really understand the point of having an R rating, but refusing to use it? The majority of the kills are super tame/cutting away from it all together, which makes the movie feel like it’s pulling its punches CONSTANTLY. This movie is completely PG-13 except for you kinda see a nipple once? And it’s super brief and doesn’t matter the plot? Why leave that in, but censor all the violence that is 100% relevant to the story? (Except for the laser scene) Idk man, you could just tell this movie got neutered in post due to some dumbass executive decision, which is a shame.

It does some cool things with a bad ass soundtrack. It may be schlocky, and the second half doesn’t live up to the first, but it’s enjoyable nonetheless (:

I went into this with low expectations but wtf this movie is actually super fun?? It establishes right off the bat “yo we both know the premise is kinda dumb, so let’s just have fun” and I respect it

Also the lighting in this movie is awesome! Very early-2000s, but the way the light shines through the trees and how everyone is backlit gives everything way more personality than realism-based dim blandness. There were SO many unmotivated light sources, it made it feel cool! Right amount of style, without it being distracting.

It’s not gonna win any awards obviously, some aspects of it were extremely B-movie-esque, but it’s a certified good time and that’s what matters most :D

(Bonus 1/2 star for having Chimaira play during the end credits & for the verbal roasting of Freddy lol)